Live Blogging: Season Six Hours 1-2

The wife decided she could not handle an hour of NFL football and then another 2 hours of 24. So I will be your LiveBlogging guide to the premier of 24.

Remember to follow these simple rules:
1. If you are new to Blogs4Bauer - If you hear us talk about Bacardi and Cola, Red Foreman, and Chiggy Killer and you have no idea what we are talking about. Check out our Guide to B4B Nicknames.
2. When we start adding up kills and talk about Jack Bauer getting "bonus points", make sure you read up on our Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Guidelines.
3. Have fun, 24 is a great TV show and we have a pretty good time with it. Oh and Jack Bauer is our Elvis, Kim Bauer is hot, and Audrey has a penis nose.
4. Remember that tomorrow is Talk Like Jack Bauer Day.
5. Drink whenever Jack says "dammit".

Live Blogging Preview
-Let me be the first to say....enough with the 24 commercials FOX!!!
-Anyone see Reggie Bush get knocked into last Tuesday during the Saints game? You know you are too into 24 when you saw that hit and thought to yourself....Jack Bauer has taken worse.
-You know you are too into 24 when your wife tells you to take Route 24 today and you reply to her that "yes, 24 does come on tonight". True story.
-You know you are too into 24 when it looks like you will miss out on the final few minutes of a NFL playoff game in order to watch Jack Bauer bite someones neck....or so I've been told.

Live Blogging Hour 1
-Remote - check
-Phone off the hook - check
-Dog medicated - check
-Wife over at the in-laws - check

Jack Bauer was on The Simpsons...."Front line infantry"

tck....tck.....tck
6:00am
900 people dead? Car bomb in New York....Muslims late for work.... I love 24
BOOOOOOMMMMM 23 more dead.
"Lock up everyone who prays to Mecca"? Is Sean Hannity president?

President Wayne Palmer.... When does he do his first Allstate commercial?
Failure? With CTU involved? No you have to be joking?

Chloe...swwwwiiinnnnggg Kim Bauer who?
"Morris we are at work....meet me in Conference Room B in 20"
Jack's coming back and he is going to love your new haircut/killing Aaarrabbs.

We don't know his state of mind? When have we ever?
Did someone order a #43 with a side of homicidal maniac?

"Jack Bauer did not breath (or pee) for 2 years..."
Jack forced to die for CTU in the first 10 minutes? What are we going to do for the next 23 hours and 50 minutes? Oh right.

JACK BAUER'S FIRST WORDS IN 2 YEARS? "Where is Penis Nose"? What did those Chinese bastards do to him?

Commercial Break
Someone give me a Pats update! Pats up 3 with 1:10 left.... DAMMMITT
While Imm happy that movie 300 gave us more photos on Myspace, I will still never go see that stupid movie.

Tckkk...
LA hit by terrorists.......Personally I'm glad that I'm not counting each kill on the kill counter. Maybe we should count Chloe's bitchy comments...1,2,3,4...
I smell mole......Hot muslim chick is a mole. Chloe will steal her keycard, log into her computer and check her Myspace page and see if Assad is in her top 8.

Jack flew from China, drove from the airport, had the sun rise, and are almost at CTU in less than 20 minutes. He hasn't lost a beat. But will he remember how to use a cell phone? Yes.

Jack Bauer handcuffed to a grate with no cellphone? That poor grate. What did that grate ever do to deserve this?

6:30.......
Let me just say that 24 is awesome. Watching 24 on HDTV is really awesome.
Pats - 24 Chargers - 21
Audrey was on that lame show The Nine (which I think only lasted a few weeks). Michelle Dessler was on The Knights of Prosperity last week (equally lame).
6:36...
Drudge is livebloging?

Someone's attacking Behrooz? Dude, I think we should smoke some weed and blow up a White Castle...I mean eat...

New Evil Guy's nickname: Mr. Abu Al-Clean

6:46
Jack is so screwed and Prison Break's return means the absolute end to all of my Monday nights.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh I think Jack likes this torture.

6:57
Jack Bauer is dead? Tyler D...you killed him. Chloe... you too. Morris...grow some hair...

Kill Counter
Jack Bauer kills using his mouth (4 points)
He didn't say anything cool or have on aviators. However, he probably has not brushed his teeth in 2 years, so his breath had to be torture.
Jack Bauer vampire. Lestat is a sissy.

Kill Counter Hour 1 Total = 4 Points

Live Blogging Hour 2
Previously on 24, a bunch of B-rate actors from movies you have never seen are on your favorite show.

7:00

Jack is stuck in the LA sewers... He grabs one of Rosie Odonnell's diaprams and floats to CTU.

Jack Bauer could have started that car with his finger.

President Palmer to Bauer: Sorry I tried to have you killed....its this damn Palmer blood that is running through my veins.

Product Placement: Nextel.

The racist neighbor was right, his muslim target is a terrorist. I love Fox....sometimes

Someone called in the US Marines....the next best thing after Jack Bauer.

7:10 - first Token mention. Did someone order a Bacardi and Cola?

Why does Jack introduce himself? There is a mole inside the terrorist group? I see they have the same writers from the past 5 seasons.

Boooooommmm
7:15
If Jack Bauer was dropped from a crane, he would come out in China. In fact, that is how the Chinese really returned Jack Bauer to America. They dropped him from a crane in Bejing and he popped up in LA.

7:19
"There are no terrorists here"..... 24 Rules says "There are terrrorists here"

Sandra, stop being like Sherry Palmer and help us out. Civil protections, Bush is evil, war for oil..... There are always people looking out for the rights of others/terrorists.

Is that Barack Obama? Talk about overexposure.

"Respond he will guaranteed" - what is he? Yoda?

7:26

This season of 24 will setback images of muslims something like 2 years. We have come so far...

If I never see that stupid SHARP golf commercial again... I thought I'd seen it the last of it during the World Series when they had it in every commercial rotation.

7:31

In case you are just joining us, Jack Bauer is helping out terrorists. Now stop asking what the hell is going on.

Bauer: "WHERE IS HE!!!" .... everyone drink never mind, he didn't say "We are running out of time".

In the kneecap.....oooooohhhhh Camel Nuts that hurts.

American flag in the background as we see some torture scenes....24 brought to you by The New York Times.

7:37

"I don't know how to do this anymore" - Jack Bauer. Oh crap, America is so screwed. Jack Bauer doesn't torture, another Hannibal movie is coming out, the Patriots are going to the AFC Championship. What do I have to live for? Oh right; Prison Break returns soon and we can make fun of retards on American Idol.

7:41
Obama calls Palmer. The FBI is back and they want to ask questions about my People magazine photoshoot.

Roger Clinton meet Sandra Palmer.

BANG... Some noname from Harold and Kumar just shot the catcher from Major League 2. Any minute now, the cast of Weekend at Bernies will show up and we will all have a good laugh.

6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Rube Baker was the catcher for the Cleveland Indians in Major League 2....President Palmer played outfield. Dennis Haysbert was in What's Cooking? (2000) with Maury Chaykin Maury Chaykin was in Where the Truth Lies (2005) with Kevin Bacon

7:50

Product Placement: Toyota

Those are some clean subways. Are you watching New York?

I'd hate to be a muslim on the subway on Tuesday....someone is going to get their bag checked.

Only Jack Bauer gets a free subway ride by claiming a terrorist is on board.

BOOOOOMMMMMMM

Kill Counter
Jack Bauer killed an arab with explosives/feet (1 point)

"we have no way to fight back"....J-A-C-K- do I need to continue spelling?

7:58...7:59

Seriously...with the constant attacks on our country, why do we elect Palmers?

Fox has some really stupid commercials for movies and TV shows that we will just have to put up with. My suggestion is liberal use of the MUTE button.

Final Kill Counter Total for Hours 1-2: 5 points

Tomorrow: The Kill Counter will get some nice pointage as Jack Bauer claims that he "can't do this anymore"...until someone pisses him off. Then he tends to go overboard.

If you live in the NY area....it is that time of year when the Fox5 News team like to tease a 24-related story and hold on until after the last story to broadcast it. I hate that.

Remember. Tomorrow is Talk Like Jack Bauer Day

Finally, welcome back to Blogs4Bauer. Last season we took watching 24 to a new level. This season we have added some new bloggers and a new layout. Stay tuned for TiVO blogging Point/Counterpoints, Caption Contests, Kim Bauer, and did I mention Kim Bauer.

Thank you, the 24 fan, for helping fuel our obsession.

Today's the Day

It's here. The day is here. It reminds me of a story:

There was a conference on human sexuality where the speaker decided to conduct an informal poll.

"How many of you have sex more than once a day, every day?"

Two or three hands were raised.

"OK. How many of you have sex at least four or five times a week?" he asked.

Most of the hands in the room went up. He continued to ask questions, lowering the amount each time; once a week, once every couple of weeks, once a month.

With a bit of a laugh, he asked, "Well is there anyone who just has sex once a year?"

In the back of the room a man jumped to his feet and began waiving his hand wildly.

"Sir," the speaker asked, "are you saying that you only have sex once a year?"

"That's right!" the man exclaimed with a great big grin on his face.

"Well sir, I appreciate your honesty. But, I have to ask, why only once a year? Do you like sex?"

"I sure do," he said with great enthusiasm!

"Well, if you like sex but you only have it once a year, why are you so excited?"

"That's easy, mister," he replied.

"Tonight's The Night!"

Cross posted at my my blog, bRight & Early, where you are invited to visit and discuss 24 in the Forum. If you tried to get into the Forum earlier and saw an error message, it is working now. Sorry 'bout that.

Chloe O'Brian . . . Hot???

When the hell did this happen, and why was I not informed???

The Carnival Returns

The Carnival of Bauer!!! returns Thursday (1/18). If you would like to participate, please have your posts to us by midnight on Wednesday (1/17).

There are 2 ways to submit posts
1) Email us at Blogs4Bauer@gmail.com with "Carnival of Bauer" in the subject
2) Use the handy Blogs Carnival submit button below.

For more information on the CoB!!!, click here.

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge - Week 1

Welcome to The Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge! Each week B4B will host a contest to see who can guess Jack Bauer's point total. The winner will be given much praise and be allowed to live another day.

Take a look at the Guidelines and Point System (now including combo kills) listed below. Post your point total in the comments section for Sunday and Monday (Hours 1 to 4). The winner will be posted on Tuesday.

Kill Counter^© Guidelines
1. Only kills made by Jack Bauer will be counted.
2. Jack Bauer has to be present in order for a kill to be counted. No mind-control crap.
3. If Jack Bauer kills himself, a paradox will be created thus ending any future use of this kill counter and/or could end the world as we know it.
4. If Jack Bauer dies, the Kill Counter^© will go on. Because...
5. If Jack's ghost kills someone, it counts.
6. Bonus points will be awarded if Jack goes beyond the call of duty in killing someone by taunting and/or torturing before killing them (see below).


Point System:
Jack Bauer with a gun (1 point)
Jack Bauer with a knife (1 point)
Jack Bauer with explosives (1 point)

Jack Bauer with his head (4 points)

Jack Bauer with his manpurse (5 points)
Jack Bauer with his upper body (2 points)

Jack Bauer with his lower body (3 points)
Jack Bauer's cell phone kills someone (0.5 point)

Jack Bauer kills CTU agent Jason Blaine (2 points)

Jack Bauer kills another member of CTU (-1 point)

Bonus Points:
Jack Bauer tortures someone before killing them (+1 point)
Jack Bauer says something cool before killing them (+1 point)
Jack Bauer says something cool and tortures someone before killing them (+3 points)

If Jack Bauer utters a "dammit" in the process of killing someone (+1 point/each)

If Jack Bauer wears aviators while killing someone (+1 point)

If Jack Bauer sports his manpurse while killing someone (+1 point)

Jack Bauer Combo Kills:

If Jack Bauer kills more than one person in one situation, here's how the combo points add up.

2 kills-in-1 (+2 points)

3 kills-in-1 (+6 points)

4 kills-in-1 (+8 points)

...10 kills-in-1 (+20 points)

and so on.

Examples:

-Jack Bauer walks into a room, pulls a gun from his manpurse, and kills 2 terrorists.

Gun Kill (1 point)

Manpurse +1

Combo Kill +2

Total = 4 points

-Jack Bauer puts on his aviators, walks up to Jason Blaine and says "Jason, you don't think that I can force you to swallow a whole stick of Degree antiperspirant, but I can..."

Jason Blaine kill (2 points)

Aviators on +1

Cool speak/torture bonus +3

Total = 6 Points

Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Guidelines

Last season at Blogs4Bauer, we counted every death on the kill counter. Others copied the system and now every other 24 site has someone counting the bodies before they hit the floor. We're going to do things a little different this season. Jack Bauer's body count is going to work on a points-based system that was first developed by the evil geniuses who brought us the BCS system in college football.

This season, it sounds like we don't have enough fingers or space to tally up the number of bodies left behind Jack's wake. In today's New York Post, they review the upcoming Jack Bauer Power Hours and state (what Tyler and some other hacks already know) that we have been under attack for some time before the President Palmer picks up the phone and orders a #45, which happens to be a tortured Jack Bauer and a side of rice.

As the sixth season of "24" begins, we learn that the attacks have been underway for about 11 weeks in at least 10 cities. - NY Post

Too many bodies, so little time. So therefore we are laying down some guidelines for this season's Kill Counter^©.
Kill Counter^© Guidelines
1. Only kills made by Jack Bauer will be counted.
2. Jack Bauer has to be present in order for a kill to be counted. No mind-control crap.
3. If Jack Bauer kills himself, a paradox will be created thus ending any future use of this kill counter and/or could end the world as we know it.
4. If Jack Bauer dies, the Kill Counter^© will go on. Because...
5. If Jack's ghost kills someone, it counts.
6. Bonus points will be awarded if Jack goes beyond the call of duty in killing someone by taunting and/or torturing before killing them.

We will still post a weekly Blogs4Bauer Kill Counter Challenge, where you guess the total number of points that will be added to the counter during the week's show. The closest to the actual number will be the winner. We will post the first challenge on Friday and it will cover the firs two hours on Sunday. The second one will cover Monday night's hours and will be posted Monday.

Point System:
Jack Bauer kills someone with a gun (1 point)
Jack Bauer kills someone with a knife (1 point)
Jack Bauer kills someone with explosives (1 point)
Jack Bauer kills someone with his bare hands (2 points)
Jack Bauer kills a cougar (3 points)
Jack Bauer kills another member of CTU (-1 point)
Bonus Points:
Jack Bauer tortures someone before killing them (+1 point)
Jack Bauer says something cool before killing them (+1 point)
Jack Bauer says something cool and tortures someone before killing them (+2 points)

Got any other additions to the points/bonus system like how we can incorporate a Combo System so Jack gets multiple points for bulk kills? Enter them in the comments.

New Logo - Part 3

I Know....

Usually I would link to my own blog in one (any/all) of my posts , however I am not. Because I know something. I know something very few others know.

I know what happens in the first four episodes of season 6!

What happens is so awesome...

It made Bacardi cry....

Yet Another Logo

I understand that new contributors are required to include a Kim Bauer pic with their first post. So, when I should have been doing other things I created this animated logo.

I have to have something to occupy my time for the next 121 hours.

More Blogs4Bauer Logos

Template Update

Is anyone particularly good with CSS?

If so, I would greatly appreciate some assistance with the new template--there are a few glitches that I can't seem to fix. (Namely the extra line below lawhawk's name on the first widget on the left sidebar and the disappearance of the right border on the right sidebar).

I'm happy to share the full template with anyone who has enough of an understanding of the new blogger's formatting if that will help you sort it out.

And, if you contribute to correcting these bugs, I promise you that you will receive prominent linkage immediately and during the season premiere. If you think you have a solution, or might be able to help me find one, please email me at rftr.blogger@gmail.com.

Bear With Us

Please bear with us over the next few days. Since our transition to the New Blogger allows for some exciting new features, I'll be toying with the layout. It may look quite bad at times, and it may look quite good at others.

This is all in advance of the new and upcoming season of 24. I should have things settled no later than Saturday.

Thanks for your patience.

New Logo

Thanks to bRight & Early for the new logo. Check it out.

CTU Guide to Surviving Gas Attacks

CTU Guide to Surviving Gas Attacks
With the gas attack on New York City today, CTU and Blogs4Bauer has teamed up to provide New Yorkers with the information they need if they start to choke. We apologize; as we're a day late with this information for members of the Jets and Giants.

If you smell something weird in New York today, follow these CTU-approved steps to make it out alive.

Step 1: Simply find the nearest hermetically sealed conference room.
Step 2: Ensure that all overweight team members are outside the hermetically sealed conference room as they tend to take up more oxygen/food.
Step 3: Have plenty of tissues available.
Step 4: Make sure that everyone is wearing hoodies and/or can hold their breath for at least 10 minutes.
Step 5: Don't panic, just make sure there are enough security guards to sacrifice until help arrives.
Step 6: Even though Talk Like Jack Bauer Day is on January 15th; it might come in handy if you find yourself locked in a hermetically sealed conference room with people you don't really like all that much.

If all else fails; remember that Kim Bauer is probably to blame.

Counterpoint: Snake Plissken is a whiny little bitch

Counterpoint: Snake Plissken is a whiny little bitch.
By Lieutenant John McClane

Jesus Christ, I am sick and tired of hearing about Snake Plissken, “The Hero of Leningrad,” “The Savior of the President,” and “The Messiah of Los Angeles.” If Plissken spent half as much time honing his, admittedly, impressive skills, the world wouldn’t need me, John McClane, “The Blue Collar Cop Who Quietly Does His Job.”

Some people refer to me as “The Hero of Nakatomi Plaza.” I think this description is crap. I’m a cop, and what I did in Los Angeles that Christmas Eve was all part of the job. However, let me remind Mr. Plissken that I single-handedly took out over a dozen armed terrorists, saved about one hundred people, and I did it all without my shoes on. Oh, and I did all of these things in less than twelve hours! I didn’t need twenty-two like some prima donnas.

As for Jack Bauer, I have had the pleasure of working with him in Los Angeles. He is the most thorough investigator I have ever seen. If it takes him a full day to save the country – again – then so be it. At least we know the job will be done right. With you, who knows?

I know Jack Bauer. I have worked alongside Jack Bauer. Mr. Plissken, you are no Jack Bauer.

Point: I wasn't invited to Jack Bauer's whine and cheese party.
-Snake Plissken



(Wyatt created this counterpoint, but it was posted by me, because Wyatt doesn't have NewBlogger yet)

Building Towards A Kickass 24 Season

Let the countdown begin for the new season of 24 commence in earnest. The New York Daily News isn't mincing words in its opinion of the upcoming opening hours of the new 24 season. It's going to be a hit (as if you didn't already expect that).

Jack's back, and I've got to believe that he's got a chip on his shoulder. I wouldn't be surprised if the Chinese put one in there after torturing him and doing who knows what to him while in captivity.

Last season, you'll recall, "24" opened with the rapid-fire deaths of several key characters, including Dennis Haysbert's President David Palmer, and closed with Jack Bauer being carted off by Chinese government agents. The new season begins 20 months later, with Jack, looking like Rip Van Bauer, about to be freed from having spent that whole time in a Chinese prison, defiantly mute and definitely tortured.

Since it occurs at the virtual start of this new cycle of "24," it's not spoiling much of anything to reveal that the man in the Oval Office is, again, President Palmer - but this time it's brother Wayne (D.B. Woodside), whose inner circle includes both the familiar (Jayne Atkinson as Karen Hayes, now national security adviser) and the new (Peter MacNicol as Tom Lennox).

To keep all the surprises intact, let's limit the basic information to the fact that Chloe (Mary Lynn Rajskub) is still at CTU, along with Curtis (Roger Cross), Milo (Eric Balfour), Morris (Carlo Rota) and boss Bill Buchanan (James Morrison) - and that among the new players, as Jack and company pursue the latest dire terrorist threat, is Alexander Siddig from "Battlestar Galactica."

The plot is propelled with deliberate speed, and with truly startling events to climax two of the first four hours. The tension is high, the body count is substantial, and the thrill-ride momentum of "24" swiftly veers viewers away from any nagging lapses of logic or credibility.

You can bet that we're going to be tracking that body count quite closely and hash out all those lapses of credibility at the Blogs4Bauer in both the live blogging sessions and recaps.

This will also be my first offical posting on the Blogs4Bauer website as the offer to join the crew was extended last week.

Cross posted at A Blog For All.

24 MythBuster: Jack Bauer's Unicorn

Here at Blogs4Bauer, we strive to provide you and other 24 fans with the most updated and factual information possible. Too many websites are putting out false rumors and outright lies about Jack Bauer and the upcoming season of 24.

Myth #24: Jack Bauer returns from China on a unicorn to fight terrorists.

I'm not sure who started this silly rumor; however there are 11,500 Google search hits for "'Jack Bauer' unicorn". First of all, unicorns are fake. Second, Jack Bauer will not need fake animals to take out this season's band of terrorists.
Some of you geeks out there would love to see Jack on the mythical creature wielding a +3 Magical Sword of Light while trying to save Chloe from dragons. Sorry, it's not going to happen, put down the 10-sided dice and get a life.

Next Myth: Jack Bauer did not kill Gerald Ford.

Point: I didn't know Jack Bauer was hosting a whine and cheese party.

Point: I wasn't invited to Jack Bauer's whine and cheese party.
-Snake Plissken

The name is Snake and I'm really getting tired of all of Jack Bauer's holier-than-thou bullshit. For too long, I've had to watch as Bauer saves the day in 24 hours, with a little less complaining and more killing it should have been saved in 22. I didn't know Jack Bauer was hosting a whine and cheese party; do I need to bring some brie? What's that? I'm not invited? Good.

I flew a glider during the Battle of Leningrad, a decorated hero for action in Siberia and Leningrad...the youngest man to be decorated by the President. After serving my country, I didn't get a nice CTU desk job. No, I got sent to New York Maximum Security Prison, otherwise known as Manhattan.
Then my country decided it needed me for a mission. Done.
and told me to fly a Gulfstream glider onto the Trade Center. Done.
and rescue the President. Done.
Did I get 24 hours? No, I got 22.

Jack Bauer's pretty hair, cell phone, Curtis, and manpurse are starting to annoy me. I had only had only Mac-10 and a glider to save the President.

My lifeclock is telling me that it's time for Jack Bauer to end his damn whine and cheese party. And f&$king I hate brie.

Counterpoint: Snake Plissken is a whiny little bitch.
By Lieutenant John McClane



Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - I know that YOU want to come back to me. by Heroin
Counterpoint - Jack doesn't need you anymore, heroin. He has me.By Adrenaline

Point - New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators. by CBS Anchor Katie Couric
Counterpoint - Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole. by Chloe O'Brian

Point- I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent! by President Bush
Counterpoint- If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened. by John F. Kerry

Point - Bauer, You're Out! by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez
Counterpoint - Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Jack Bauer's Birthday

December 21st is Jack Bauer's Birthday!

No one does Birthday parties like CTU.

Curtis: "Seriously Jack, the whole kidnap, months of torture, and clown thing seemed a whole lot funnier when we were planning it back at CTU".

Birthday Card for Jack Bauer
"sign" the birthday card below by leaving comments on this post. We will then forward them to Jack Bauer himself!

TLJB Day - FAQ

Talk Like Jack Bauer Day - January 15

In one month, Jack Bauer returns to save the world for the sixth time.
What have you done lately?

With the four-hour start of Season 6, we are going to celebrate Talk Like Jack Bauer Day on January 15th. Yes, we ripped off Talk Like a Pirate Day, sue us. (Please don't actually sue us as we have no money.) We thought about having a Talk Like Edgar Day, but it just revolved around obscene amounts of Ho-Hos and crying. Talk Like Tony Day involved too many needles and participating in Talk Like Chloe Day would just end up pissing people off.

Here's a little "how-to" guide to talking like Jack Bauer on January 15th from your pals at Blogs4Bauer. If you have any other suggestions, please add them to the comments or email us.

Q: I don't know how to "talk" like Jack Bauer.
You're already well on your way, since that was not a question and Jack does not have time for questions. Additionally, if you find yourself not knowing how to talk like Jack Bauer, it's acceptable to just act like Jack Bauer. That usually means lots of excessive force.

Q: What if someone gets upset with my Jack Bauer impersonation?
A: Act more upset or use excessive force.

Q: I told my boss' child that his father is dead in my best evil voice. What now?
A: Make sure you call his wife.

Q: What do I do if I get fired?
A: Remember, Jack Bauer has been fired many times, but he's never stopped working. If necessary, assume a secret identity for the rest of the day (using alliteration is advised) until they need you again.

How to act on Talk Like Jack Bauer Day
-Make sure to yell very simple requests.
-Take a helicopter to work.
-Issue threats that involve family members and/or body parts.
-Always mention that you're running out of time.
-Carry a manpurse. Wear aviators. Don't do drugs.
-Start each conversation with "I'm federal agent (your name), and today is the longest day of my life".
-Carry around zip ties and a pair of pliers (because you never know).
-Ask a coworker for either a hacksaw or lighter fluid.
-Keep a car battery and some jumper cables on your desk.
-Use your cell phone as much as possible. If the battery dies, just pretend it's still working.
-End phone calls by stating "remember, I'm in a Flank 2 position". Works well when you are on a conference call.
-Use at least 5 exclamation points in every email!!!!
-Ask "Who are you working for!?" to as many people as possible.
-Throw out a "Dammit" during the day, just for the hell of it.
-Drink each time you hear a co-worker say "Dammit".
-Make a mistake at work? Blame Nina Myers.
-Request everything be sent to your PDA (works best if you don't have one).
-Accuse co-workers and/or children of being moles.
-Make sure to let your co-workers catch you looking at Google Earth maps of their houses. When they ask why, tell them that you've tracked a terrorist cell to that location.

Samples
Co-worker: How was your weekend?
You: damnit Bob, we don't have time for simple questions.
Co-worker: I just asked about your weekend.
You: Dammit. Who are you working for?
Co-worker: Never mind, forget I asked.

Co-worker: Hey man. Did you already get breakfast?
You: I've killed 3 people today and no I've yet to eat breakfast. Dammit!
Co-worker: Is that a threat?
You: That's not a threat, that's a fact.

Boss: Hey, where are the reports I asked for?
(pull out stapler, move towards boss)
You: I think the question you should be asking is how are you going to read the reports after I staple your eyelids to your desk!

(If a co-worker tries to talk to you while you're using the urinal, finish up, flush, walk over to the sink, wash your hands, and remove a paper towel from the dispenser.)
You: You probably don't think that I can force this towel down your throat. But trust me, I can. All the way. Except I'd hold onto this one little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, I pull it out. Taking your stomach lining with it. For most people it would take about a week to die. It's very painful. (Reference)

Co-worker: Hey, can you cover for me? I need to run an errand.
You: Let's get one thing straight: the only reason you're still conscious is that I don't want to do your work for you.

Finally, remember that for the whole 24 hours of Talk Like Jack Bauer Day, you cannot go to the bathroom or charge a cell phone. Also, it should only take you a maximum of 3 minutes to get anywhere you are going.

If you have any other suggestions, please add them to the comments or email us and we may incorporate them on a future TLJBD post.

Meet Your New CTU Director: Paul Teutel Sr

Meet Your New CTU Director: Paul Teutel Sr

At last, a CTU Director equal to Jack Bauer. We can look forward the following inspirational bits of dialog:

CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr.: Chloe, we don't have time for your f**king personality disorder! Come over here and stand in front of me so I can hit you in the back of the head.

CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr.: Audrey, get your horse face upstairs and find my drill bits.
Audrey Raines: I want you to apologize for calling me horse face.
CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr..: I apologize for calling you horse face. Now get your horse face up there and find my fookin' bits!

CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr.: I want you out of my CTU, Jack. I'm not going ask twice, cos the second time I'll use my size 12.

CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr.: Just do it! Instead of dicking around, like you always do!
Bill Buchanan: Somebody's got PMS.

CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr: OK, Which one of you red shirts let the terrorists get into the CTU. What the f**k is wrong with you?
Red Shirt: We were keeping the facility secure...
CTU Director Paul Teutel Sr: Twinkle-dinkle-dinkle! You never secured a facility in your life!

All right, he's not the new CTU Director. But come on, Ricky Freaking Schroeder?

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays from the crew at Blogs4Bauer

Click Here for your gift.

Talk Like Jack Bauer Day

January 15th is Talk Like Jack Bauer Day.
More details to follow.

Keep your zip ties and lighter fluid handy.

We hate to brag, but . . .

Mullet Time

Jack Bauer Law #113

From a 24 commercial played during Prison Break
Man: You're hurting me!
Jack Bauer: Trust me....I'm not

Jack Bauer Law #113: You're not in pain until Jack Bauer tells you are in pain.

Stupid 24 Questions

Do you think the writers were laughing when they had Jack literally taking a slow boat to China?

Will President Logan be sent to federal pound-you-in-the-ass prison?

Has Jack Bauer ever laughed?

Who misses Kim Bauer?

Well, it's official. Jack Bauer has conceded to both Hillary Clinton in new York and Joe Lieberman in Connecticut. Bauer for Senate 2006 is folding up camp, and making a run for the border. With Nancy Pelosi in charge, there shouldn't be any problem crossing it. Hopefully, this won't be Jack's last foray into politics. If the following excerpts are any indication, Jack really has a knack for the bloodthirsty political game.

Top Ten Things Overheard at Bauer 2006 Campaign Headquarters

10. "Chloe is drowning her sorrows in extra virgin olive oil!"
9. "I can't believe Curtis voted for Ned Lamont."

8. "Who ordered the tuna on toast with extra ricin?"

7. "Our poles are rising. Heh, heh."
6. "Get me the address of Hillary Clinton's parents, right now!"
5. "Mr. Bauer, the concierge wants to know what happened to the piano wire."
4. "If people keep voting for Clinton, I'm gonna take their final exit poll."
3. "Kennedy got re-elected? Those idiots would elect Nina Myers."
2. "Fox News just called the race for Clinton. Would you like your rifle now, Jack?"

And the number one thing overheard at Bauer 2006 Campaign Headquarters is . . .

1. "Only two people voted for me? I kill more than that before 7am!"

Bauer Concedes Senate Race, Heads to Mexico

Bauer Concedes Senate Race, Heads to Mexico
With 99% of precincts reporting, we are sad to report that Jack Bauer will not represent New York in the US Senate. Unless the 1% of precincts includes about 2,787,165 people loyal to Jack Bauer, the fight is over for now.

Jack Bauer mailed Clinton his gun and CTU badge as a sign of concession and headed to Mexico with only his manpurse and aviators.

Bauer campaign manager, Tony Almedia called for a recount, but Chloe told him to "stop being so stupid" and told Jack that the fight was indeed over. Bauer's campaign was hurt by moles inside the campaign, terrorists, and his daughter.

There are rumors that Jack Bauer will run for president in 2008, but we all know that he doesn't have time to for rumors.

This is a video reminder to write-in "Jack Bauer" for Senate in NY and CT.


Here is how to cast your vote for Bauer in NY (using one of the old lever-style machine)
1) Enter the voting booth
2) There should be a pen or pencil attached to the booth
3) Check your flank 2 position
4) Slide back the lever on top of voting cell #4
5) Write in "Jack Bauer"
6) Pull the lever when you are done voting.

Vote Bauer - NY/CT Senate

This is a followup to our original call to run Jack Bauer for Senate of both NY and CT.


Jack Bauer wants to remind NY and CT voters to head to the polls and write in "Jack Bauer" for Senate. Tired of political ads? Vote Jack Bauer, he doesn't go negative - he gets even.

Today's NY Daily News details the process of writing Jack Bauer on to victory:

The process is simple, if not always clear, in New York City: On the far left side of every ballot, a write-in "window" can be found next to each office.

Just push the silver button at the top of the write-in column, slide open a door that covers the window in which you want to write and pencil in whatever name strikes your fancy.

In all seriousness, I plan on writing in "Jack Bauer" as a protest to the GOP for providing New Yorkers no real choice for Senate other than Hillary.

So let's try and get Jack Bauer enough votes to garner a news report or two.

Who's with me?

A 24 Wish List

Since the upcoming season of 24 will almost certainly involve China (as well as uber-villain Eddie Izzard), I had an idea for the casting director.

BSG's Grace Park would be perfect as Jack's love interest.

Just a thought.

Liveblogging - 24 Trailer Talk

Liveblogging - 24 Trailer Talk
Fox will air a sneak peek at Season 6 today at 3:00pm EST with a web clip. They're also showing it over the jumbo-tron in Times Square, which makes no sense.

Check back here at 3pm as Blogs4Bauer will live-blog the preview and follow-up with a kill counter and analysis.

24 - Season 6 Sneak Peek - 3:00pm EST

Here's a little something to tide you over till then.


Watch the webclip here!
(just hit the play button twice after the Toyota commercial)

(Hat tip - jwookie for the clip)
3:00:04 - Jack Bauer PSA - "Our fans rock". Where's the B4B mention?
3:00:18 - President Wayne Palmer!!!.....Hell Yeh. Adams, Roosevelt, Bush, and Palmer
3:00:23 - Muslim suicide bombers in the first 20 seconds of the trailer. Someone call CAIR.
A Threat Will Rise
Fear Will Grow
3:00:23 - Explosion #1
3:00:23 - Explosion #2
3:00:34 - Buchanan just said 114 people died in St. Louis. Damn and they never got to see the Cardinals win the World Series. Ohh and the kill counter for the trailer just exploded like a terrorist heading to meet his 72 virgins.
3:00:35 - Explosion #3
Our Only Hope (let me guess - Jack Bauer?)
"Do you understand the difference between dying for something and dying for nothing. Today I can die for something" - Jack Bauer
3:00:46 - HOLY Jeebus.... Jack Bauer has a mullet.
3:00:48 - Jack Bauer looks like Dr. Richard Kimble
3:00:51 - Everyone now: Bacardi...and Cola
3:00:56 - For all you ladies, Jack Bauer without a shirt
3:01:06 - Explosion #4
3:01:09 - Explosion #5
3:01:10 - Did Token just say "thousands of civilians are dead"? Season 6 Kill Counter just surrendered.
For America to Survive
3:01:12 - Jack Bauer on the subway.
3:01:14 - For all you nerds, Chloe is back.
3:01:15 - "Jack Bauer has to be sacrificed" How many times have they played out that storyline?
Jack Bauer
3:01:20 - Jack Bauer sans mullet.
Must
Die
3:01:26 - Explosion #6
3:01:35 - Jack Bauer yelling.
3:01:45 - Explosion #7
3:01:45 - This season, we stop counting bodies. Instead we count explosions. I count 7 already.

Summary: America is under attack from terrorists. Jack Bauer is our only hope. Along the way, things blow up and people die. Jack Bauer is betrayed and faces death. Jack Bauer also yells a bunch.

What did you think?

Counterpoint: Jack doesn't need you anymore, heroin. He has me.
By Adrenaline

Well, well, well, look who came crawling back: Heroin. You miss Jack Bauer? I can't say that I am surprised, but I can say that you're wasting your breath. Jack is with me now, and we have a bond stronger than any needle or tourniquet. With me, Jack gets high on life . . . and fresh corpses. I am there for him, and I support him. When Jack is feeling down, I don't offer him a syringe; I suggest we go snap the neck of a terrorist. When Jack is bored, I offer him a mole's nipples and a live wire. And you? Just take a look at your history with Jack:

You never treated Jack right. How many times did you call him the day after your get-togethers? Did you even call to say you got home safely? He was worried sick!

You embarrassed him when you showed up drunk at the CTU ball. Cripes, you made a grand entrance in your backless gown, and then tripped over Bill Buchanan during your inebriated twirl!

You cheated on him numerous times with floozies like Kate Moss and Samwise Gamgee's sister. How many times did you call Jack "Marion Barry?" Ten? Fifteen?

Jack is over you, and now you need to get on with your life. I trust you received your LP records and your love letters. Now, please leave my Jack alone.

Point: I Know That You Want to Come Back to Me
by Heroin

Point: I Know That You Want to Come Back to Me

Point: I Know That You Want to Come Back to Me
by Heroin

Hey Jack Bauer, remember me? I'm sure you do, we spent a lot of time together. I know you don't have much time so I'll get to the point. Jack, I know you want to come back to me, come on and chase the dragon just once more.

Jack, we had some fun in Mexico - yes we did, denial is the first sign of a real problem that can only be cured by some sweet chiva. Remember that time you were on a 2 day bender and ran nude through that village outside Culiacán? How about when you spent an hour interrogating a goat on the whereabouts of The Three Amigos? He almost broke, maybe next time buddy. How about now?

You're under a great deal of stress, that's why you should let a little black tar take the edge off. It couldn't hurt your current situation - in the hull of a ship headed to China.

What are you waiting for, we don't have much time? The dragon won't chase itself.

Counterpoint: Jack doesn't need you anymore, heroin. He has me.
By Adrenaline


Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators. by CBS Anchor Katie Couric
Counterpoint - Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole. by Chloe O'Brian

Point- I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent! by President Bush
Counterpoint- If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened. by John F. Kerry

Point - Bauer, You're Out! by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez
Counterpoint - Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Season 6 Trailer

You are on notice. Mondays starting in January are now booked.

Season 6 Premier
Sunday January 14th (8-10pm EST)
Monday January 15th (8-10pm EST)
Hours 5-24 will air Monday's at 9pm EST uninterrupted until May!

Also, in 13 days Fox releases the first look at Season 6.

A web-only trailer will be aired on:
http://www.24trailer.com/

Blogs4Bauer will live-blog the trailer and post our review/kill counter shortly after.

Top Ten Jack Bauer Pet Peeves

10. Smoking.
9. Lack of posting on Blogs4Bauer.
8. Rude people.
7. Eyeballs that don't pop out in one piece.
6. Long lines at the airport.
5. Long lines at the CTU armory.
4. Fat chicks.
3. When Curtis plays his 50 Cent CD too loud.
2. People who put ketchup on a hot dog.

And the number one Jack Bauer pet peeve is . . .

1. When Steinway won't sell you loose piano wire.

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Talk Like Jack Bauer Day

September 19 - International Talk Like a Pirate Day
December 14 - Talk Like George Bush Day

It's time that we honor Jack Bauer by spending a day making co-workers and loved ones nervous by talking like him.

To get the ball started, we need a date to set aside for "Talk Like Jack Bauer Day". Please vote or suggest a day in the comments section.

What Date Should Become "Talk Like Jack Bauer Day"? December 21 - Jack Bauer's Birthday November 1 - Day of the Dead (Mexico) November 7 - Election Day February 26 March 12 April 23 January 14 - Season 6 Premier November 6 - Season 1 Premier December 7 - Pearl Harbor Day Other

Counterpoint: Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole
by Chloe O'Brian

Jack Bauer running for Senator of New York and Connecticut is a bad idea. So says that sugary pixie Katie Couric. Couric is so sweet that I go into diabetic shock every time she broadcasts. We get it Katie; you're perky! That may have been swell when you were a high school cheerleader. But now? NO ONE CARES!

We were all really impressed when you were handed the CBS News spot on a silver platter. Did a law degree come as a side dish? Don't you worry whether or not Jack Bauer's campaign is legal. As Emporer Palpatine said, "I will make it legal."

On top of this you have the temerity to say that a "true" New Yorker should be elected to the Senate. I guess Hillary is sporting genuine Manhattan cankles? Cripes, she is more of a carpetbagger than The Man from GOP and the City! Jack is well versed in over a dozen languages: I doubt "Bronx" would be too difficult for him.

And finally, you throw out the same tired argument; that Jack Bauer is a violent psychopath. If anything, Mr. Bauer is proud of his violent record. Hell, who do you think would really represent the people of New York: a violent psychopath, or a bloated former attorney from Arkansas? I think the answer is clear.

Oh, and Katie, just so you know, you're husband isn't dead. He couldn't stand your constant blathering, so Jack smuggled him out of the country and faked his death. Chew on that.

"Courage."

Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators
~CBS Anchor Katie Couric

Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators

Point: New York and Connecticut Need Their Own Senators
~CBS Anchor Katie Couric

Hi, and thank you for tuning in to the Couric Power Hour. My name is Katie Couric, Dan Rather no longer works here.

Jack Bauer is running for Senator of both New York and Connecticut and I think it's a very bad idea. Bad for New York, even worse for Connetiucut, and even more worse for the Senate. New York and Connecticut need their own senators; Jack Bauer should stick with what he does best - whatever that is.

First of all, is this stunt even legal? I've never heard of anyone being a Senator from two different states. Even if being a senator from two different states is ok, being a Senator from two different states at the same time is probably against the rules.

Second, I would like to know if Jack Bauer could represent the people of New York and Connecticut. He happens to be from California and has spent the past 5 seasons between Mexico, California, and a brief time in a whore house in Nevada. I know that New York needs a senator that is a true New Yorker and is not running for Senate just to make a run at a higher office.

Third, Jack Bauer is a violent psychopath with no known people skills; he has no place in a law-abiding institution like our Congress. We know what Jack Bauer is capable of with a towel, hacksaw, and a box of Peanut M&Ms. Where does this translate to an ability to create meaningful legislation? Jack Bauer cannot get a bill to become law by simply torturing it.

With these arguments in hand, I hope that the people of New York and Connecticut avoid the media hype surrounding their candidate for Senate and vote for whom they think will do a good job representing the common person from their state. That would be Ned Lamont and Hillary Clinton, not Jack Bauer.

Good Night and Good Luck, Courage.

-Katie Couric

Counterpoint: Katie Couric Needs To Shut Her Pie Hole
by Chloe O'Brian



Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point- I would make a kick-ass CTU Agent! by President Bush
Counterpoint- If I Were At CTU, None Of These Attacks Would Have Happened. by John F. Kerry

Point - Bauer, You're Out! by Jimmy "Da Hammer" Lopez
Counterpoint - Without Jack Bauer, the only cup you'd be drinking from is between your legs!- by Peter Gammons

Point- "We do not need Rack Bauer" by Chinese General Tso
Counterpoint - Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd by President Logan

Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Top Ten Questions Asked Of CTU Applicants

10. Have you ever been convicted of a felony in the United States?
9. Would you accept a position with CTU Security? We have several openings.
8. Are you offended by gratuitous torture?
7. Do you have a list of references?
6. Do you think it is morally wrong to impale a terrorist?
5. Do you have morals?
4. How many assault weapons do you currently own?
3. Are you now or have you ever been a mole?
2. Is love the answer? (Trick hippie question.)

And the number one question asked of CTU applicants is . . .

1. How long does it take you to dismember a body, and can we time you here?