Jack is Dead

Jack Is Dead
A reader sent us a link to more screen shots of the mysterious scribble on the back of a photo found in Edgar's possessions in the final episode of 24. It really does not take a CTU Agent to decipher the message, "Jack is Dead". I'm really surprised that Chloe did not pick up on it. Edgar was a mole.

Click Here for more on the codes.

Chinese Prepare for Bauer's Wrath

Chinese Prepare for Bauer's Arrival
With Jack Bauer heading for Mainland China, the billions of citizens in his path have prepared for what looks like an unfair fight. Something must be done to even the playing field with Bauer.

Enter the 3-armed baby born on Tuesday at Shanghai Children's Medical Center. "Jie-jie", which translated means "Little 3-Armed Chinese Jack Bauer-Killer", is expected to start training for his upcoming mission (killing Jack Bauer) in a matter of weeks.

"We hope 3-arm better than Jack's two" said General Wang Chung, the head of China's military wing in charge of combating Jack Bauer. "Why 3-arms? Because four would look weird." said Chung.

Asian people and their cities have not been in this much danger since the days Godzilla. The Chinese are not going to wait until Jack Bauer starts torching Beijing to act. With Jie and his 3 appendages, they can even the odds that are already starting to stack against them. But, is it too little too late? Will Jack Bauer pull another arm out of his manpurse? What does Goro from Mortal Kombat think about this?

Season 6: January 2007

Editor's note: Children born with deformities are not funny. For more information on how you can help the hospital where the child was born, check out Project Hope's website.

24: Liveblogging

24 Liveblogging: 7am-8am

7am: So Jack Bauer's replacement is Brian O'Conner?

7:15: No Bacardi and we have New Coke (Tyrese Gibson).

7:30: With the lack of terrorists in LA, 24 goes to Miami to battle illegal street racing? What the hell, is Tyler liveblogging this again?

Seriously, Fox has reached new lows for programming (if that's possible). One week after Jack Bauer takes down a sitting (technically he was standing) president and ended up being kidnapped by ninjas - Fox turns around and broadcasts 2Fast 2Furious in the 9pm slot! They could not find reruns from Who Wants to Marry a Midget to broadcast instead?

How many Monday's until January?

Carnival of Bauer!!! Season Finale

The Carnival of Bauer!!! Season Finale

Carnival of Bauer!!! XIII
Welcome to the Season Finale of The Carnival of Bauer!!!. This carnival is dedicated to the 24 fans who have contributed and hosted the most dangerous Blog Carnival in the history of Blog Carnivals. How dangerous is it? Well Glenn Reynolds linked to us after he stated on his podcast that he had stopped linking carnivals. When Jack Bauer tells you to link to a damn carnival, you better link to the carnival.

The Carnival of Bauer!!! will return as a monthly carnival (unlike Jack Bauer who's dead) for the "off season". While the number of posts may drop, we can fill the carnival rolls with simple Google News and Yahoo searches that are sure to have people coming back for more.

Now for the exciting 2-hour Carnival of Bauer!!! Season Finale.

///Begin Transmission///

Emperor Misha I opens the carnival with the first of many Chinese slogans with Slow Boat to China posted over at Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler. I personally like "Big Trouble in Little China".

The Right Mom knows why Jack Bauer got nabbed. Mom notes in her recap, Bauer left his manpurse behind. Hell hath no fury like a manpurse scorned.

Karen of Scottsdale from The View from My Chair presents her recap of the 2-hour season finale: 24 Day 5 5:00-7:00 a.m.

Jeff Kouba at Peace Like A River presents his recap 24 Day 5 5:00 AM - 7:00 AM. Just in case you were wondering, Jeff notes the Number of times Jack says "Now!" is 38 for the season.

Everyone saw that it was the Chinese who have taken Jack Bauer right? Not so fast, Point Five states that China has denied kidnapping both The Lindbergh baby and now Jack Bauer.

The Llama Butchers know that Jack Bauer is dead. They don't need paper clues since Fox leaked them a publicity shot for Season 6. Jack is the Walrus.

King Tom's Kingdom presents Double the 24, Double the fun which is a post with "Not-so-deep thoughts on the final two hours of season 5." Tom knows there's really nothing deep about 24 to begin with.

Little Miss Chatterbox recaps the season finale for 24, Prison Break, and Alias. Her recap also notes her losing out on a Fox Award. She has been Jack Bauer's biggest fan this season and deserves something more than a little Fox award. LMC you have won The Jack Bauer Thinks You Are #1 Award, presented by Bill Buchanan (Jack Bauer doesn't have time for awards).

Part-Time Pundit notes in this post - the addictive quality of 24. Tony and Jack agree, they both prefer heroin.

Steve over at MagicLamp.org presents his recap of 24: 5 am to 7 am. He posts his comments at some guy named Dave Barry's blog. CTU has already set up a perimeter around Dave Barry's blog, which means absolutely nothing.

///end transmission///

That's it for the Season Finale. The next Carnival of Bauer!!! will be posted in Pirate talk on the last Monday of June.

Previous Carnivals
Announcing the Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 1 - Blogs4Bauer
The Carnival of Edgar- Week 2 - Blogs4Bauer
The Carnival of Tony - Week 3 - Blogs4Bauer
The Carnival of Life - Week 4 - Blogs4Bauer
The Carnival of the Cougar - Week 5 - Blogs4Bauer
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 6 - Blogs4Bauer
The Carnival of Logan - Week 7 - Inn of the Last Home
The Carnival of Jenny!!! - Week 8 - Justin's Random Thoughts
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 9 - Below the Beltway
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 10 - Right Wing Nation
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 11 - The Llama Butchers
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 12 - Cake or Death

*The Carnival of Bauer!!! will now take place on the last Monday of the month. Email Jack Bauer if you would like to host one.

Upcoming Carnivals:
Monday - June 26th
Monday - July 31

My Name Is Jack

"You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his whole life sucks? Well, that used to be me. Every time something good happened to me...



something bad was waiting right around the corner...



Karma. That's when I realized that I had to change, so I made a list of everything bad I ever did and one by one I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes. I'm just trying to be a better person. My Name is Jack."

(Props to The Man for the screencaps)


Jack Bauer's Karma List

1. Let Kim believe I was dead for a year and a half.

2. Let Audrey's husband die so docs could save a Chinese guy.

3. Talked an innocent young naval engineer into a slicing another man's throat open.

4. Led on Hair-boy and his mom, then ditched them as soon as Audrey came back in the picture.

5. Committed armed robbery of gas station

6. Hijacked airplane at gunpoint

7. Stole lunch from employee refrigerator at oil drilling site.

8. Tricked a terrorist into believing his family had been executed by Saudi authorities.

9. Tasered Marine helicopter pilot.

10. Terrorized bank VP and his wife, got the former killed.

11. Sold German guy a self-destructing agent list.

12. Made Nina Myers strip in front of me.

13. Sent Michelle Dressler back to terrorists after she had managed to escape.

14. Invaded the Chinese embassy, resulting in the death of the Chinese consul

15. Told Behrooz's mom I was going to protect her, then turned her over to bloodthirsty terrorists.

16. Told Behrooz I was going to protect him, then turned him over to bloodthirsty terrorists.

17. Shot Biff Henderson's wife in the leg

18. Shot Biff Henderson in cold blood ...

The list goes on for another 13,173 items.... feel free to list them.

Counterpoint: Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd
by President Charles Logan

General Tso, I was deeply troubled when I, um, "overheard" that one of my citizens was kidnapped by your government. I share your outrage, and the "mysterious informant" who notified your Special Forces will be punished to the fullest extent of our law.

And please spare me your lecture regarding American imports. We need to suffer our way through director Ang Lee, who single handedly redefined the phrase "cowpoke," Chinese Fire Drills which clog our highways and byways, and Chinese Finger Traps which result in more fraternity penis injuries than any other household accidents combined.

However, I feel that your disparaging remarks were out of line. General, Jack Bauer is a hurricane of death and destruction, the likes of which your country has never seen. Once he escapes your custody - and make no mistake; he will escape your custody - Mr. Bauer will be all over you like pork on "flied lice."

Take it from a man who has first hand experience of Jack Bauer's vengeance: your population problems are about to be solved.

By the way, love your chicken.

Point: "We do not need Rack Bauer"
by Chinese General Tso

Point: We Don't Need Rack Bauer

Point: "We do not need Rack Bauer"
by Chinese General Tso

I am outraged at the news that Chinese Special Forces have kidnapped Jack Bauer and are headed back to China with him! Since when do we need American anti-terrorist agents? Are you telling me that a country with 1,300,000,000 people; there is not one person who can do what Jack Bauer is rumored to be able to do? We don't need Jack Bauer.

Sure, Jack has already ran through most of the ethnic groups in America, but China has 56 different groups. As people tell me, he has signed on for only 3 more years. That is 53 too few for China's needs.

Perhaps Jack Bauer will be brought in to help torture the Falun Gong group. As you can tell by the group's protests in New York, we are perfectly capable of handing out water torture and cage treatments without Jack Bauer and his nipple twisting antics. I did read on Blogs4bauer about Mr. Bauer having people swallow a towel, the Chinese method has the towel going in the other end. We call it "Chinese Floss" Ha Ha Ha, I kill me.

We Chinese have a saying "American imported goods as useful as protest in Tiananmen Square". That includes you Mr. Jack Bauer. American imports are usually crappy movies, annoying music, and David Hasselhoff. Now we are importing psychopaths? Jack Bauer ranks below fertility drugs as things we need most.

Counterpoint: Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd
by President Charles Logan



Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

Lost in 24

Lost in 24

Are the producers of 24 trying to turn us into whisper-hearing Lost freaks?

From today's NY post:

On a scrap of paper - seen so briefly on TV it could only be read by eagle-eyed viewers who had posted the screen on the Internet - a seemingly random group of letters spells out "Jack is dead."

Update: I have zoomed in on the picture and decoded the message


Other
The Llama Butchers have their own "Jack Is Dead" theories.
Got a post about 24?
You still have time to submit it for The Carnival of Bauer!!!

OK, why do we have to recap the stuff we just watched?

The Following Takes Place Between 06:00 am and 07:00 am

06:00 to 06:14:22
What did I tell ya? About two minutes after hitting the sheets, Prez and Mary Todd Weasel have finished making sex like crazed weasels and are neatly putting their clothes back on. Meanwhile, Jack has put on a flight suit to disguise himself as the chopper’s co-pilot. Chloe has managed to get the real co-pilot removed from the flight. Jack accesses The Matrix and has the instructions for flying Marine One downloaded directly into his brain. Chloe sends fake credentials to Dick Cheney, who sends them to Red Foreman. The dumbass co-pilot comes to the locker room, and Red distracts him while Jack takes the co-pilot out in a sleeper hold. He then boards the chopper.

The motorcade pulls up to the landing area. Cheney whispers to Mary Todd that Jack is on the helicopter. Mry Todd has to think of a reason not to go with him. She leans over to the Prez. "Hey, Chuck, I just remembered, I left my Tampax at the ranch, and I'm having a heavy flow day. And I don't want to stain the seats on Air Force 1." Weasel agrees that this is gross and leaves her behind.

The chopper takes off with Jack in the co-pilot’s seat. As soon as they are airborne, Jack points his gun at the pilot. "OK, trained Marine pilot, do what I tell you or I'll shoot you." Jack then goes in back and tasers the two secret service dudes. He strips his helmet off and the look on Weasel’s face when he sees Jack is priceless.

Chloe orders the chopper to lnd at an industrial part. Then, Jack tasers the strikingly handsome Marine chopper pilot, leads the president of of the supposed 'Marine 1 at gun point, and then takes him into an abandoned printing facility. Probably one of the ones used by the LA Times before their circultion went into the toilet. Jack searches the president, removes his personal effects, handcuffs him to a pole, and prepares him for the worst torture imaginable: reading him several years worth of Robert Scheer columns.

About that time, Al Bundy O’Brien enters with the modified field equipment Jack requested. Then he leaves. Chloe calls to tell Jack he has 20 minutes to shake a confession from the weasel, or they will all be tried for treason.

06:18:33 to 06:24:54
Weasel taunts Jack. "You'll never get a confession out of me." Jack responds by reading off the bullet points of what Weasel has done:
- Helped terrorists acquire Tex-Mex nerve gas
- Assasinated David Palmer
- Killed innocent civilians to cover his lies
- And also Sid Blumenthal
- Tried to have Red Foreman killed.

Weasel sneers, "So, what are you going to do? Dance around me with a straight-edge razor and then cut my ear off while listening to 'Stuck in the Middle With You? You haven't got the cobblestones."

"The good news is, I'm not going to torture you,” Jack tells him. “The bad news is, I am going to kill you if you don't tell me. Confess at the count of three, or I will kill you. Tell me who your co-conspirators are or I will shoot you on the count of three."

Jack pulls out the gun and counts..

"1..."

"2..."

"3..."

But Jack pussies out. He lets himself be arrested by the Secret Service as the president smugly re-pockets his personal belongings and orders Jack to be taken to the nearest loony ward.

06:29:05 to 06:35:22

Five minutes later, the helicopter is landing at the airfield and Mary Todd is waiting. President Weasel steps off his crappy gray Seahawk helicopter that looks nothing like the Marine One we are used to and approaches the podium as David Palmer’s flag-draped coffin is lowered respectfully to the ground.

Mary Todd loses it, calls her husband a murderer, and is dragged away literally kicking and screaming into an airplane hangar. After making sure the building is secure, Weasel walks in and starts slapping her around like Jackson Brown. Then, he accuses her, correctly, of delaying the helicopter, so Jack could be on-board. And, in the course of beating her, he gives the full confession Jack wasn't able to get out of him.

06:39:57 to 06:49:04
President Weasel approaches the podium and prepares to give his David Palmer obsequies. He praises him as a great American, a ood soldier, a personal friend, and one hell of an Allstate spokesman.

Meanwhile, Chloe has patched CTU to the Attorney General. She has a recorded confession from Prez Weasel. It’s the confession he made to Mary Todd in the hangar. The recording device was placed on the president’s pen. CTU heard every word of his confession (but I think it’s the slapping around his wife that really sealed his fate, impeachment-wise.) They play the recording back for the attorney general who turns white as a … okay he was pretty darn pale to begin with, but, he is pretty gosh-darn upset.

One of Prez Weasel’s Secret Service guys gets a call. President Weasel sees his SS phalanx acting nervous (amd where the Hell is that Moose guy.), he thinkg, ”Oh, no, not another terrorist attac. That wasn't suppose to happen until Wednesday. Gosh darn oil cabal.”

But, instead, the secret service is there to arrest him and take him into custody, prior to his all-but-certain gosh-darn impeachment. He begins to wish he had just ate his gun in the first place.

S4GF meets with Jack. He lunges for her and gives her a big manly kiss. Jack is granted one moment of happiness, but, much like 'Angel,' he must now pay for it.
Just then, Jack gets a call from Cougarbait. He takes it inside to answer it, and promises S4GF that they can begin their life together, and everything will be wonderful again.

But it is not Cougarbait. Instead, three guys in black ski masks and leather jackets chloroform Jack and drag him out.

06:53:35 to 07:00:00
Chiggy and Frau Blucher say goodbye. Frau Blucher promises to put him back in charge of CTU, but refuses his offer of one of his famous “Bill Buchanan Breakfast Specials” (McGriddles and a SuperSized cup of Jim Beam). Then, Chiggy gives Chloe a picture of her and Edgar she doesn't remember posing for. Then, she realizes it's a PhotoShop with her face on the nude body of Eva Longoria. “Oh, Edgar…”

S4GF goes into the building, finds the phone off the hook. She is upset and orders the cops to search for Jack… then remembers she just signed a deal to star in her own show and hops onto a Segway and takes off to star in her own series on ABC.

Soon, Jack is revealed to be in the hands of the Butchers of Beijing. Jack asks to make one phone call. They refuse. "Then, how about more cow bell?" Again, he is refused. He collapses on the floor whispering 'Kill Me.'

"Kill you? You are far too valuable to kill Mr. Bauer,” says the guy who looks like Jackie Chan. Well, actually, they all kinda do.

We then find out Jack is on a Chinese freighter... bound for a slave-labor factory will he will be forced to make Wal-Mart happy face signs for 18 hours a day.

Hey, wait a minute. That can’t be right. Since when do we export anything to China?

See Jack Kill

Click Here to download the complete stats behind The Jack Bauer Kill Counter.

With this knowledge you can impress your friends with mind numbing stats like:
-Jack Bauer killed an average of 1.4 people an hour
-Jack Bauer killed an average of 3 people an hour, in hours which Jack Bauer killed.
-Curtis killed only 2 more people than Jack's Cell Phone.

In other News
Blogs for House has launched. The Cranky Insomniac states that BfH is "The next great group blog" and "What Blogs4Bauer wishes it could be."

Jack Bauer would cure House of his infarction and then make him crippled, again. Jack would then make House swallow a towel.

Hey, interesting coincidence. On the Scifi Channel opposite the Season finale. they're showing 'Small Victories,' the episode in which Jack (O'Neill, not Bauer) has to enter a Russian submarine in order to prevent weapons of mass destruction from being unleashed.

TivoBlogging: The Following Took Place Between 05:00 am and 06:00 am

I got a laptop in front of me and a bottle of Bridgeport, one of Oregon's finest beers, let's do this thing!

05:00:00 to 05:20:57
We all die in a Russian submarine... a Russian submarine... a Russian submarine...

Comrade HATO takes the microphone, "Ladies and gentlemen... please welcome… your Russian terrorists! I have identified 12 high-value targets! Financial centers! Transportation hubs! The Baldwin's house! Now, let's get ready to... terrorize!"

Frau Blucher has the Navy scramble jets to take out the submarine, but, naturally, they will require slightly more time to attack the submarine than HATO will have to release the missiles. It’s just more dramatic that way.

Jack is at the docks figuring out how to board the submarine, but the sub is locked down. Then, they see someone has launched a baggie of porn and whisky from one of the portholes. This can only mean someone from the US Navy is still alive aboard the sub. Chloe patches through to the sub and finds a young seaman (heh heh, seaman) who survived the attack. His nickname will be Seaman Cream. He talks to Jack and they work out a plan by which Seaman Cream, armed only with a dull rusty knife will defeat heavily armed terrorists to open an escape hatch for Jack to get in.

Jack and Biff Henderson argue over whether Biff gets to have a gun. Hundreds of computer geeks save the imagery and prepare to edit it into their next Brokeback parody. Reluctantly, Jack gives him a .45.

Nine minutes and forty seconds from missile launch, Jack and Biff are ready to whack the submarine. Jack explains to Seaman Cream, in deliciously gory detail, exactly how to slit the terrorist's throat and gut him like a fish. "Just imagine that the terrorist is your blond ex-wife, and you're an angry black professional football player turned B-list actor. And you just caught her in her driveway flirting with a metrosexual waiter."

Seaman Cream stabs his terrorist and makes for the hatch. Jack and Biff polish off a couple more guards as the missile hatches slowly open.

"You lead, we'll follow." This is Jack's way of saying, "You're probably going to die soon." And just to make sure Cream is toast, Jack comes up with an elaborate scheme for Cream to draw the hostiles out of the CIC. He does this as the terrorist target San Francisco.

Suddenly, I find myself hoping some of the missiles make it.

Seaman Cream tips over a metal trolley, which makes enough noise to draw out Comrade HATO. Then, he escapes the sub and flees the scene in a white Ford Bronco.

Jack slowly makes his way into the control room, and with three minutes to go, demonstrates the right way to slash a terrorist's throat. Biff Henderson works on deprogramming the missiles while Jack and Special Agent Expendable Decoy work on eliminating HATO's men.

Jack is ambushed by a terrorist who grabs him in a chokehold. Jack demonstrates the classic Bauer Reacharound, by which you grab a terrorist's gun hand and then force him to shoot the other terrorist. Then, Jack kills HATO with his powerful Thighs of Death... thank God he spent those lonely nights on the oilfield working out with the Suzanne Somers ThighMaster.

Meanwhile, Biff manages to disable ad deprogram all the missiles on the sub with less then ten seconds to spare. Then, he and Jack quickly flee the sub, just in case those F/A-18’s manage to reach the target before Frau Blucher can call them off.

On the top of the sub, Jack stares down Biff Henderson. "You were never really gonna let me go, were you?" Biff asks. “Duh!” Jack answers. “You killed David Palmer, you killed Tony Almeda and Michelle Dressler, you gave nerve gas to terrorists, you killed innocent civilians to cover your lies, and Naked Lunch was a pretentious piece-of-crap, two hours and six bucks I’ll never get back.” Biff goes to shoot Jack, but it turns out the gun Jack gave him has no bullets. So, instead, Jack caps Biff Henderson, whose headphones roll off the ship into the sea.


05:27:49 to 05:35:46
Jack surrenders to the cops, identifies himself, and asks for a gun, a phone, and a car. The Navy cops give him all three without even asking for identification. Then, he calls CTU. "I had to kill Biff Henderson he... um... turning into a zombie. Grrrrrr! Zombie!" They believe him, too. Everybody trusts Jack! He is ordered to return to CTU, but he confides privately to Chloe that he really intends to go after President Weasel, and he needs her help to modify some field equipment.

President Weasel gloats in his victory. "Once again, I have defeated the terrorists. Now, I need to prepare some words to say beside David Palmer's casket at Andrew's." He then calls his Oil Cabal masters and reports that everything is swell.

Mary Todd meets Dick Cheney in the hallway. Eventually, she and Red Foreman lead him to the garage and show him what's in the back of the VistaCruiser. From the look on Cheney's face I'm guessing Special Agent Moose has rather quickly gone ripe. Cheney and Red Foreman plot to take the VistaCruiser some place where the president won't find him. The drive over to Kelso's house.


05:41:34 to 05:47:05
Red Foreman and Dick Cheney are dumping the stiff, when the phone rings. "Damn it, every time I try to feed Leatherface another stiff the phone rings." It’s Jack. Jack talks to Red Foreman and Dick Cheney and reveals his secret plan to beat a confession out of Prez Weasel and record it with CTU uplink. He needs Dick Cheney to stall the president's departure so he can penetrate the compound.

Meanwhile, at CTU Frau Blucher is wondering. It's been over a half an hour since she ordered Jack to come in, he's still not there. She wonders if his space-time warping device has malfunctioned. Then, Chloe arrives and informs them that she needs authorization to bring in outside help to “recover the recording.” (So, that’s what they’re calling it these days.) They are shocked to see that she wants to bring in her husband, Al Bundy O’Brien, who’s been selling women’s shoes in Beverly Hills since leaving CTU.

05:53:55 to 05:59:59

Jack meets Red Foreman in the darkened field. Red tells him the security is too tight for him to breach the compound, and they agree that the chopper is the best option.

Al Bundy O’Brien… who turns out to be kind of a smarmy cross between Phil Collins and Bob Hoskins arrives at CTU approximately 30 seconds after Chloe gets his paperwork approved. Apparently, he leases loft space above CTU. I don’t know, I’m not asking, but considering how terrible security is in that building, I hope he’s not paying too much for rent. Anyway, he’s hitting on one of the HLS technicians who was trying to figure out how to reprogram the Russian sub’s missiles to take out the levees and flood the black neighborhoods of Los Angeles.

Chloe takes Al Bundy aside and explains to him what she really needs is someone to alter some field communications equipment. He agrees, but first, he wants to explain to everyone how he scored four Rugby goals in his final game for Polk Boy’s School.

President Weasel is getting ready to leave his retreat, but Mary Todd comes in to stall him. "Hey, remember when I said you were a scumbag and I hated your guts, well, I've decided I love you again, and it's not because I'm bi-polar or anything because my pills are working just fine." She doesn’t seem to be persuading him to stay, so finally, she says… "No, I want you to bang me like a screen door. I want you to slap my ass and make me call you daddy, I want to shake the little weasel."

He agrees to service her, but only if he gets anal*. Their tender middle-aged lovemaking will surely buy Jack the eight seconds he needs to get to the chopper.


* No matter how clean he demands the room to be, she has to do it.

Jack Bauer Kill Counter Tally

The Jack Bauer Kill Counter is finished.

The population of Los Angeles dropped from 17,516,110 to 17,515,794 during Jack's latest, in a string of bad days. Jack Bauer alone added 34 during the day, his cell phone added 2 people to the list.

I have provided a breakdown of Jack Bauer's kills and a list of the total kills below.




More analysis to come.

Carnival of Bauer

Got a post about 24?
You still have time to submit it for The Carnival of Bauer!!!



This week's carnival will be held at Blogs4Bauer.

Want to host The Carnival of Bauer!!!? Send Jack an email to sign up.

Season Finale Live Blog

Season Finale Open Post

Opus Dei member Jack Bauer dies tonight. Discuss.

24: Kill Counter Finale

24: Final Four
After 2,514 votes - the final four 24 cast members you voted as "most likely to survive" are:
1) Jack Bauer
2) Chloe O'Brian
3) Curtis Manning
4) Kim Bauer

The four that rated lowest in the poll: Bierko, Henderson, Frau Blucher, and Tony Almeida.


Kim Bauer
Kim has the amazing ability to screw things up for Jack. While Kim, her acne, and her boy toy got small roles this season - there is plenty of time for her to make her mark. Remember that Henderson introduced Kim to her shrink/boyfriend.

Curtis Manning
Where the hell has Curtis been this season? He finally teamed up with Bacardi (Jack) for the last episode only to get shot. Did he marry the Russian prostitute? Did Jack's punch to the head cause him brain damage? Anyway, Curtis is headed back to CTU Medical where they will either kill him or torture him.

Chloe O'Brian
Killing off Chloe would be the worst move for Fox since Skating With Celebrities. Chloe's death would send nerds into a rage - ratings would slip to Commander in Chief levels. No, Chloe will be around to spread her sunny disposition across CTU, a trait that caused Edgar to eat.

Jack Bauer
Even Chuck Norris knows that Jack Bauer could die tonight. I keep telling people this and I'm sick of the "but he signed on for 3 more seasons" response. He did sign on, but that doesn't mean that "Season 6" will take place after this one. 24 Prequels could happen. Jack could also die and then become an Obi-Wan Kenobi type character coming back to give nuggets of advice to Curtis and his crew. "Curtis, we don't have time for you start questioning your spirituality" yells the ghost of Jack Bauer to Agent Manning.

Regardless, the commercials state that we will not be disappointed with the 2 hour season finale.

Who will live? Who will die? Watch and find out. And read and comment during our liveblog while you are at it. Then, check back later for VtheK's exclusive TIVO blogging.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge -
1) Guess Tonight's 2 Hour Body Count

Here on Blogs4Bauer, when you see that Tyler is liveblogging - you know a boring 24 will soon follow. This season, whenever there was a slowdown in Jack's day, Tyler was liveblogging. However, when we teamed him up with RFTR in a Liveblogorama - the 24 Gods smiled and dusted 12 CTU agents before the first commercial break. With some assumptions on the size and class of Russian nuclear subs, the final tally ended up at 121.

Other
Click Here for the Jack Bauer Kill Counter.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge Results
Episodes 1,2 - 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy (Guess - 4)
Episodes 3,4 - 14 Bodies
RFTR - 14
Episode 5 - 2 Bodies
AL - 2
Episode 6 - 1 Body
AL - 1
Episode 7 - 5 Bodies
Mr. Bob - 5
Episode 8 - 14 Bodies
Deathlok - 13
Episode 9 - 7 Bodies
RFTR - 7
Episode 10 - 8 Bodies
The Man - 8
Episodes 11, 12 - 59 Bodies
Justin - 27
Episode 13 - 3 Bodies (including Tony)
Justin - 3
Episode 14 - 0 Bodies
Citizen Grim - 3
Episode 15 - 12 Bodies
Al - 11
Episode 16 - 7 Bodies
Shawn - 7
Oxen - 7
Episode 17 - 10 Bodies
Al - 9
Oxen - 9
Dan - 11
Denis E. Ambrose, Jr - 11
Episode 18 - 6 Bodies
The Man - 6
efitz - 6
Episode 19 - 4 Bodies
The Man - 5
Episode 20 - 0 Bodies
Craig - 0
Episode 21 - -1 Body
The Man - 0
Episode 22 - 121
NDwalters - 18

See Jack Die?

Tonight! 2 hour 24 season finale!
Watch it on Fox, post about it here...It's like instant replay, but not really.

One Ugly Caption Contest

One Ugly Caption Contest
1) Caption or photoshop this
2) Email photoshop entries to Jack Bauer

Counterpoint: That man-purse makes you look like a sissy.
by Mr. Blackwell

John, John, John. May I call you John? "Jack" is so blase'; it has no pinache. This "man-purse" you are carrying makes you look like a sissy. And I know a lot about looking like a sissy.

Throughout my many travels, I have seen countless accessories - from Jackie O's elegant black pocketbook, to Jerry Seinfeld's stylish European carry-all. And that is our buzz word for the day: style. This canvas bag has none. Faux pas! I would think that your man-purse is only one generation away from poor white trash. And what does that say about you, John?

In my expert opinion, you would do well to acquire a Prada - not Pravda - Vinilico leather bag. It has all of the functionality of your man-purse - with none of the gauche. Come on, John. Step up to respectability.

Point: It's time to give credit where credit is due.
by Jack Bauer's manpurse

Carnival of Bauer!!! XII

Carnival of Bauer!!! XII

The 12th edition of The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been posted at Cake or Death.

Next week, Blogs4Bauer will retire the Carnival of Bauer!!! as a weekly carnival. The Carnival of Bauer!!! will be held monthly during "the off season". Send Jack Bauer an email if you are interested in hosting The Monthly Carnival of Bauer!!! on your site.

Previous Carnivals
Announcing the Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 1
The Carnival of Edgar- Week 2
The Carnival of Tony - Week 3
The Carnival of Life - Week 4
The Carnival of the Cougar - Week 5
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 6
The Carnival of Logan - Week 7
The Carnival of Jenny!!! - Week 8
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 9
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 10
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 11
Make sure to get your entries into next week's Carnival of Bauer!!! by midnight on Wednesday!

Point: It's time to give credit where credit is due.

Point: It's time to give credit where credit is due.
by Jack Bauer's manpurse

So where are we at? Oh, right. Stop me if you have heard this before...Jack Bauer is chasing an enemy with plans on wrecking LA, there are moles, explosions, and some yelling. In the end Jack Bauer will get all the glory, while everyone around him is an emotional wreck. Well I have had enough of Jack's adoration hogging. Without me, where would Jack be? You know, even a fan page like Bauer's Treo 650 cell phone has would be nice. It's time to give credit where credit is due.

With all due respect to "Frank Flynn", I did not sign on to be a personal unisex messenger bag for a blood-thirsty CTU agent, hell-bent on taking down a sitting president. No, I thought I might be used to carry Frank's tools to and from the oil rigs. Sure, not many of the other rig operators carried unisex bags, apparently not many of the other operators were former Delta Force goons who chose to go into hiding after faking their own death.

That is how I became Jack Bauer's personal unisex messenger bag. Without me, Jack Bauer's day would have been over before Palmer hit the floor. Ever since, Jack and I have been like Optimus Prime and his trailer. But, unlike Optimus Prime's trailer (who disappeared when the shooting started) - I have been there for Jack from start to finish. Unfortunately, Jack Bauer and Optimus Prime have a nasty habit of taking all the credit. Well no longer will Jack's aviators, his cell phone, and yes - his manpurse be passed over. We demand that Jack Bauer and the world acknowledge our contributions.

I've held Jack Bauer's gun, recording device, knives, Behrooz's pinkie, eavesdropping gear, black tar heroin, a pair of Chole's panties, and leatherman tool for the last time if things do not change. The next time Jack reaches into my main zippered compartment - he may find a big lump of disappointment.

Maybe Bauer's aviators and I will even find a more grateful owner on Amazon.com.

Counterpoint: That man-purse makes you look like a sissy.
by Mr. Blackwell


Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

TivoBlogging: The Following Took Place Between 4:00 am and 5:00 am

04:13:26 to 04:10:45
After the recap of last hour, we find Jack and Frau Blucher on their way to play the recording of President Weasel's confession. "Have you told the Atty General what's on it?" Jack asks. "Nah, I wanted it to be a surprise."

In the conference room, they check the recording. "Oh, no, it's been erased. Just like George Lucas erased every copy of the Star Wars Christmas Special." Jack turns on Chloe. ("Turn on" has two meanings, and in this case, I think both are in effect.) "How could this have happened, Chloe?" "I don't know, it must have been Sniveling Little Rat-Faced Git."

Jack and Frau Blucher charge into the CTU Operations room, where SLRFG is packing up his "DHS Employee of the Week" awards into a cardboard office box and preparing to break for the door. "Security. Stop him!" A security goon comes between Jack and his prey. Jack drops the security goon with a single harsh blow to the kidneys.

Jack gives SLRFG the Darth Vader choke hold, picking up by his neck (although most of us were wishing he had picked him up by a part of his anatomy about 18 inches lower). Frau Blucher begs for Jack to spare SLRFG's life like a trailer-trash domestic abuse enabler on 'COPS.' ("Don't arrest him, Ah luv him.") So, Jack drops him on the floor. SLRFG tells them he has a new job at the White House. Given his acumen in lying, cheating, and back-stabbing, he's the perfect choice for Budget Director. "Screw you guys, I'm goin' home."

President Weasel calls Frau Blucher to rub it in. "Hi, toots. I'm suspending the arrest order on Jack Bauer. And you can let him go, and he can go off and live in a tree somewhere." They can hear the smug in his voice. No recording, no case. He's gotten away with murder. He does however pledge to devote the rest of his life to finding David Palmer's "Real Killers."

Chiggy then returns, and he has found a more immediate problem. "Comrade HATO has escaped. And he said something about a nerve gas canister, and cleansing all who walk on the Path of Origin."

Cut to: HATO addressing his Russian terror-gang, one of whom expresses skepticism about his plans for a massive strike. "There's not much we can do with one can of nerve gas," says the minion.

"Speak for yourself," HATO says. "I can make a hat, or a broach, or a pterodactyl."


04:13:26 to 04:25:15:
Mary Todd is popping pills like Liza Minelli at a Tic-Tac convention. When a secret service guy checks on her, she tells him, "This was Red Foreman's phone. See that it gets back to him." "Sure, you betcha," says the secret service guy.

Weasel drops in on Red Foreman; who looks like he just got caught in the middle of a phone fight between Russell Crowe and Naomi Campbell. Leaving a trail of slime behind him, he oozes smarmy equanimity. "It's over. I won. You let this slide, and I'll let you have any position you want."

Red tells him what he really thinks. "You're a traitor to this country, a disgrace to your office, and a dumbass. And even though I realize I'm signing my death warrant, I will do everything in my power to bring you to justice. Is there anything else, Rodent-boy?"

Weasel looks vaguely disappointed, and leaves the room to consult with another Secret Service guy. We'll call him 'Moose.' Moose thinks it would be mistake to let Red Foreman live. "Believe me when I tell you, he won't give up."

Weasel isn't sure about what to do. So far today, he's collaborated with terrorists, tried to kill his wife and the Russian president, let terrorists kill a few dozen people, framed an innocent man, almost shot down a plane full of people. It's going to be tough to polish up this chapter of his memoirs. "Let me call my Oil Cabal and check my orders."

Leonard Betts takes the president's call, "Can we assume you have the rest of your house in order?"

"Yes, my oil cabal masters." Leonard Betts than orders him to do a monkey dance, which he does.

As soon as he gets off the phone, he is approached by Dick Cheney: "Comrade HATO has escaped." Weasel is confused and furious. "I thought we took over CTU to prevent that kind of screw up." "I know, sir, but we have a season finale coming up, and the writers were out of ideas."

Chloe, for once, has come up with nothing on the ambush. None of the satellites or traffic cam managed to catch where the bandits headed after they freed HATO. She immediately regrets installing the software that only lets her access intelligence when there's no other way to advance the plot.

"There is one man who can help us," Frau Blucher suggests.

"El Kabong?" Jack asks.

"No, Biff Henderson."

"I'd rather eat my man-purse," Jack tells them. "Besides, that Salty Dog will never talk."

Frau Blucher decides to offer him an immunity deal. Jack is against it, but agrees to conduct the interrogation because it's their only shot. In the cell, Jack circles Biff Henderson. "You know Comrade HATO like the back of your hand. Where's he going to hit?"

Biff Henderson sniffs at the offer of immunity. "Jack, if you let me out of here, they'll kill me."

"Who's they?" Jack demands.

"The Secret Oil Cabal, duh! But if you help me disappear, I'll help you get HATO"


04:29:33 to 04:35:55

Jack comes out of the cell with a list. "Chloe, here's fourteen names. Put phone taps on them right away, and to Hell with what the ACLU says." Chloe checks them out. "Only one cell phone is active. Joe Mojito*."

"Isn't he one of those Brokeback Mafia dudes from 'The Sopranos?'" Jack asks.

"No, he's yet another evil arms dealer turned traitor. Kind of like Nicholas Cage in 'Lord of War,' but without the tragic irony," Chloe explains.

CTU puts together a tactical team to bring him in. Biff Henderson laughs at their tactical team. "You think Mojito's going to crack? Besides, he's got a laptop that makes this place look like a Speak and Spell. If you even look at his laptop the wrong way, the hard drive will instantly erase. It's like Jack's Treo times 9-11 time 37,451." Biff Henderson demands to go out and confront Mojito personally.

"We can't risk letting Bff Henderson go on this job," Jack says. "Just let me kill him."

Frau Blucher laughs at his reservations. "No, I'm going to take a dangerous traitor out in the field and just assume everything will be fine. What could go possibly wrong."

Jack looks at them incredulously. "I've got a gun. Let me just cap him now. We can do it together, it'll be fun."

Frau Blucher despairs. "You just don't get it, do you?"

"But..."

"Ssh!"

"But we can't just ... "

"Ssh! I got a whole bag of 'Ssh!' with your name on it." Sensing defeat, Jack agrees to take Biff Henderson into the field.


Mary Todd watches as Moose, The Evil SS Agent, parks a long black car in the garage of the Presidential Retreat and opens the trunk. He soon brings out Red Foreman, who is looking like Courtney Love on a good day. Foreman knows that a ride in a trunk seldom means a happy ending, and he resists. Watching Moose rough up Aaron, Mary Todd feels compelled to intervene (where have I heard that before). The fight goes on and somehow Mary Todd ends up with a gun and greases the Moose while screaming "Adios Muthahfocker!" Then, she breaks down crying.

04:40:14 to 04:47:43

Bacardi and Cola on the road with a Biff Henderson chaser. We shall call him, Whiskey Sour. They pull up to the Mojito place. Biff refuses to allow Jack to attach a wire to his person, or send in backup on the grounds that it might prevent him from escaping. Biff Henderson buzzes in, and Mojito checks him out on his video monitor. "It's about Vladimir HATO. And you are going to want to hear what I have to say." Mojito scans him with something the people at TSA would love to get their hands on. Meanwhile, Jack climbs up to the roof.

Biff Henderson spills the cat out of the bag. "CTU is outside, so secure the files, crash the system, and completely destroy every traces of evidence." Mojito crashes the computers as Cola moves his team in. Meanwhile, Jack eases in through the roof.

A CTU dude smashes through the door. "Give me your weapon," Biff says. Biff is about to start to shoot up the CTU team, but Jack appears at the top of the stairs and ratchets up his kill count. Cola is hit, but he's okay.

"Jack, you my have been fooled by the fact that I was shooting at you, but I was actually on your side." Biff explains. "I was tricking Mojito into lowering his firewall." And he didn't tell Jack this in advance why? "Now, his files are encrypted, and you'll never crack the code in million bazillion years."

Jack connects Chloe to Mojito's computer. Five minutes later, she has decrypted the files.


04:52:24 to 04:59:59
Mary Todd tenderly caresses Red Foreman's wounds. "I'm sorry I'm so Bloody, Mary," he tells her. "I can't believe I was going to let him get away with it," she sighs. She remembers the precise moment she found out her husband was collaborating with terrorists. "I could hardly breathe. Gulping for air, I started crying and yelling at him..." After nearly being killed, after learning about her husband collaborating with terrorists, it took seeing Red Foreman looking like one of Jackson Brown's girlfriends for Mary Todd to figure out that her husband is not a good person... making her only slightly less clueless than the average Ricki Lake guest.

Talk turns to escaping the compound. "I can't drive out of here." Red Foreman tells her. "I feel like I felt the morning after my drinking binge with Patrick Kennedy." "I can drive," Mary Todd tells him. "No, you can't. You're a woman. I'll hide here. You find that guy who looks like Dick Cheney and tell him everything you know."

Back at CTU, Chloe has decrypted the unundecryptable files from Mojito's computer. They find out there's a Black Russian submarine docked in the Port of Los Angeles, with missiles that can take out several city blocks. The LA Times predicts women and minorities will be hardest hit. Jack calls the US Navy guy on the sub and tells him to lockdown the boat's weapon systems. he Navy guy is about to checkout the top side of the sub when HATO shoots him and lobs a canister of Tex-Mex into the sub.

So, everyone is dead and the Russian guys take over the sub's weapon systems. HATO puts in the code and has full control of the sub's missile systems. Silvery missiles flash ominously. And we are promised exciting scenes from next week.

Ask The 24 Maharishi

Ask The 24 Maharishi
The 24 Maharishi's quest is to answer your 24 questions. Want to know how Chloe knows all those phone numbers? Just ask the 24 Maharishi.

Q: Maharishi, how will Jack stop the submarine?
A: Ahh Jack will save the day again. How he saves the day remains to be seen by the prophets and screenwriters. My crystal ball tells me that another plot will be recycled, yes but not from a few hours ago...no this comes from Season 2. Does the name George Mason ring a bell?

Q: Are you suggesting that Jack Bauer will "pull a Mason" with the Russian Sub Natalia?
A: My crystal ball says so. But, while Mason died in his kamikaze flight over the Mojave Desert, Jack may still survive.

Q: So you suggest that Jack will pilot the Russian Sub Natalia to the Mohave Desert?
A: Subs don't fly, unless Kristie Alley gets loose from the fat farm.

There you have it. Jack Bauer will board The Natalia, he will pilot the sub to the ocean, and he will then scuttle the ship. His escape is still in doubt, but knowing Jack Bauer - he will probably use the scuba gear in his man-purse to escape the sinking sub.

Got a question for the 24 Maharishi? Post them in the comments and he will answer them.

Kill Counter Updated

Kill Counter Updated

Last night, Blogs4Bauer tried to spice things up with hosting duel-liveblogging manned by the "boring show prone" Tyler and one by RFTR. The idea worked and led to The Jack Bauer Kill Counter jumping to 281 (a 76% increase).

Having Tyler team up with RFTR led to an estimated 12 CTU guards getting dusted in the first 4 minutes alone! By the end of the night, The Jack Bauer Kill Counter topped off nearing 300. Until the writers of 24 clue us in on the total from the ambush and the sub attack, we have to go on the assumptions listed below.

Assumptions from last night:
-12 CTU Guards killed in the ambush.
-The Russian Sub Natalia was in fact the USS Topeka. We'll assume the sub was meant to be a Russian Oscar II class attack sub with a full crew of 107 men, who were gassed.

Liveblogging 4am-5am RFTR

Liveblogging: 4 AM to 5 AM
8:52 (local time): If you're showing up at 9:00 EST expecting to see the liveblogging and 24 craziness beginning, get out of my country. Only illegal immigrants wouldn't know that the President was speaking tonight on immigration/border control/guest working issues, and everything on Fox is delayed by 20 minutes.

So come back at 9:20, watch 24, read both of our liveblogs, and then hop the border back to your homeland.

I'll be back in half an hour.

9:19 (local time): Here we go, folks.

4:00 (Bauer time)— Does anyone else still say "on the day of the California Presidential Primary" when he says "the following takes place between 4 AM and 5 AM"?

4:01—Chloe blew it. Miles is the mole.

4:02—So the Homeland Security red-shirts wear white? Doesn't seem to stop Jack from sucker-punching them, though. Or choking rats.

4:05—So, seriously, did the writers not know we'd all be screaming "Jack! Play the damn recording into your voicemail!" Honestly, that's just piss-poor writing.

4:06—RELEASE BARRABAS! Um, I mean BAUER! Then send him to go take out el presidente weasel-o. (I'm practicing my Spanish for when La Raza succeeds. I'm getting pretty good at it. I thought I made up the word "aeropuerta" and then my girlfriend informed me that that's the right word for airport.)

4:08—Why would they transfer Bierko so quickly? There was no real urgency for it, and if the idiots at CTU had simply read Jack's file they would have known that Bierko was going to escape and find another cannister of nerve gas.

This show is so frustrating sometimes. Sigh.

Ads—Taco Bell ad. Didn't Taco Bell's motto used to be "Head for the border"? Or "Run for the Border"? Or something like that? I wonder how that line would play today.

4:13—First Lady Weasel just considered and then rejected suicide by marriage to weasel. And then walked out into a hallway with the ugliest big puffy white spikey lamps I've ever seen in my life.

4:15—Ooooh. Pierce gonna kick some Presidential butt. Check out that look on his face. NICE. Even with all that rage, he calls him "Mr. President." That's class.

4:17—Is it really the Secret Service's duty to bring the President to justice for traitorous behavior? I have a feeling that technically they're supposed to protect him no matter what he does.

And he pulls out the first name like a ton of bricks.

His loyalty is to David Palmer? No, his loyalty is to the country whereas the President's is to his own pride.

4:21—So now we're back to getting the nerve gas and getting information out of Henderson. And Jack Bauer has lost faith in the ability of torture to get information out of people? What's going on?? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

4:22—I say they wake Tony up and let him torture Henderson.

Why do I get the feeling Jack isn't offering Henderson a deal? And that he's going to kill Henderson instead? I'm probably wrong, but I don't think Jack wants to let Henderson go at any cost.

4:24—Let Henderson have full immunity and then shoot his wife in the kneecap. Perfect compromise.

4:25—Good point "You can't believe that Charles Logan masterminded this all himself." "Charles Logan" and "mastermind" definitely don't come together naturally.

So Jack and Henderson are going out together? If we had Bacardi and Cola before, what is this? Bacardi and really really old scotch?

Ads—Uneventful. Lame. This is the problem with liveblogging, and I hope you people appreciate the sacrifice I'm making: 24 is much better when watched 20 minutes late through a DVR filter. I'm suffering here!

4:31—I'm just so glad Comrade HATO is back. Does that make me a bad person? What if I'm glad he's back because I want to see Jack and Henderson go medieval on his rear-end? Preferably with a hacksaw.

4:32—Buchanan: "We can get through it." Chloe (pinch your nose): "Not a Phoenix shield. It's a poison pill, glavin."

4:34—If Red Foreman hadn't been tortured so long, he would have won that fight. Oh wait, he did anyway, thanks to a little hellp from First Lady Annie Oakley.

That was awesome.

Ads—Um. That chick who used to be on Ed that just did the sunless tanning ad? Maybe it was just the hue on my TV, but she looked pretty orange when she said "no fake orange color." Do women really fall for that crap?

4:40—Bacardi, really really old scotch AND cola, all together! Man, that would taste AWFUL. Especially if you're a terrorist.

4:41—Oh crap. Another perimeter. We're in serious trouble now.

4:43—Jack's climbing like a monkey with a man-purse. Henderson's being scanned by the TSA before entering the arms dealer's apartment. Is it just me, or does this guy seem remarkably fresh and with it for 4:45 in the morning.

4:45—So this guy has state-of-the art security systems of all kinds. But his front door is sheet metal. His second door is freaking glass. And Jack can get in through the ceiling vents?

And now Cola is bleeding. Stupid really really old scotch. Why didn't you just TELL them that was your plan?

4:46—Chloe says it's going to take her a while to decrypt the files. BS. All she's got to do is type really fast and grimmace at the screen. I've seen enough of this show to know that.

Ads—Local Fox news "see who's selling booze to kids and who's getting rich." I'm going to guess the people getting rich are the ones selling booze to kids. $10. Anyone take me up on it?

4:52—Is it just me, or is Martha seriously crossing the Agent/Proctectee line? I swore she was going to start licking the blood off his face any second. Not in a vampire way—just a sexual way.

4:54—Wait a minute. Did they just say they were getting the benefit of a technology-share from the treaty that was signed 12 hours ago? Are we really to believe that Russian and U.S. forces can link up that quickly when CTU can't figure out that a guy with Samwise Gamgee's ID badge isn't Samwise Gamgee?

4:56—Why didn't that dumbass naval officer just seal the freaking hatch? Jackass.

4:59—Okay, anyone know how many sailors on a Russian sub of that class? I don't even want to think about figuring out the kill count for this episode.

So. Comments? I thought that was a pretty lackluster episode. The writers are starting to get lazy. Time to torture them into some action.

Your thoughts in the comments. V the K's liveblog tomorrow. And more goodies all week!

And Now A Message From The President

And Now A Message From The President

You could be in for a surprise if you turn on the TV (and/or tune into Blogs4Bauer) tonight at 9pm. No, Wentworth Miller is not on the run from Jack Bauer and Hal Gardner was not killed by Lincoln Burrows. Would President Bush give a primetime speech during American Idol? Why then, would Bush's people let him give a speech during the Fox Power Hours?

President Jack Bauer would not do such a thing. He would secure the border, lower taxes, invade Iran, and stop off in France to kick some poodle-walking mimes - then hold a primetime press conference to bring us up-to-date. It would last 13 seconds, he would yell it, and it could replace an Apple ad during the second commercial break on 24.

"Fellow Americans. I have secured the border, lowered your taxes, invaded some muslim country, and destroyed France. There's no time for details."

Blogs4Bauer Challenge -
1) How Would President Bauer Deal With the Mexican Border
2) Guess tonight's Body Count

Even without Tyler liveblogging, the Jack Bauer Kill Counter was inactive again. Actually, it went backwards last week, thanks to Heller. Will Tony come back this week and have it drop even further? Watch and find out. And read and comment during our liveblog while you are at it. Then, check back later for VtheK's exclusive TIVO blogging.

Other
Click Here for the Jack Bauer Kill Counter, click here to vote in the 24: Final Four.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge Results
Episodes 1,2 - 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy (Guess - 4)
Episodes 3,4 - 14 Bodies
RFTR - 14
Episode 5 - 2 Bodies
AL - 2
Episode 6 - 1 Body
AL - 1
Episode 7 - 5 Bodies
Mr. Bob - 5
Episode 8 - 14 Bodies
Deathlok - 13
Episode 9 - 7 Bodies
RFTR - 7
Episode 10 - 8 Bodies
The Man - 8
Episodes 11, 12 - 59 Bodies
Justin - 27
Episode 13 - 3 Bodies (including Tony)
Justin - 3
Episode 14 - 0 Bodies
Citizen Grim - 3
Episode 15 - 12 Bodies
Al - 11
Episode 16 - 7 Bodies
Shawn - 7
Oxen - 7
Episode 17 - 10 Bodies
Al - 9
Oxen - 9
Dan - 11
Denis E. Ambrose, Jr - 11
Episode 18 - 6 Bodies
The Man - 6
efitz - 6
Episode 19 - 4 Bodies
The Man - 5
Episode 20 - 0 Bodies
Craig - 0
Episode 21 - -1 Body
The Man - 0