Carnival of Bauer

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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Point: I'm going to make it!

Point: I'm going to make it!

Being a Red Shirted security guard at CTU really has it's good and bad times. The other day some other guard was trying to stir things up by urging us to unionize and improve the training manual. While he was ranting about our poor training, Randy snuck up and put a few squirts of Visine in his drink. He went from being a disgruntled employee to a disgruntled employee with a serious case of the squirts in no time flat. That was a good day.

Well today I find myself locked in a secure containment room in the east wing of CTU with this little prick McGill, while deadly nerve gas has taken out almost everyone else. He's like "this is all my fault" and I was like "you're a douche bag and look like the asthmatic kid from The Goonies". Somehow a terrorist snuck by our crack security team and released nerve gas in the AC unit. Then Jack Bauer announced that he wants to sacrifice us in order to save his butt. Before we allowed nerve gas to permeate a perfectly secure room, I got to call my kids and let them know that daddy will now be a hero and might not get to see them grow up. Daddy would be watching from heaven.

So I just sat there holding my breath, waiting for Wheezy to come back from his little mission for Bauer. When McGill got back, Jack Bauer told us how great we are...and then it happened. I'm not David Blaine, so after like 10 minutes of holding my breath, I had reached my limit. GASP, I took a breath but I did not end up in a fetal position with a load of crap in my pants and a mouthful of vomit.

I AM GOING TO LIVE! I will end up seeing my daughter go to prom and get married. My unborn son will be a star quarterback football for his high school team and then go to college and play for UCLA. I will get home in time to eat dinner and see the season premier of Prison Break! Tomorrow I will play catch with my dog and mow the yard. We have to pay bills and visit with my mother-in-law, but I plan on taking my wife out to Applebee's for some riblettes this weekend. I love life!

Counterpoint: Nah, you're not. - by Death

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

1 comment:

NDwalters said...

Dude, you're a security guard, and we only got your name once. You're deader than the Star Trek extras.

'Oh crap, I don't have a nametag, I'm dead! Do you hear me? dead!'

'Maybe you're the plucky comic relief or recurring character.'

Course, Edgar was comic relief and recurring, and now, Edgar aka Truffle Shuffle is dead.