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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Point: We Don't Need Rack Bauer

Point: "We do not need Rack Bauer"
by Chinese General Tso

I am outraged at the news that Chinese Special Forces have kidnapped Jack Bauer and are headed back to China with him! Since when do we need American anti-terrorist agents? Are you telling me that a country with 1,300,000,000 people; there is not one person who can do what Jack Bauer is rumored to be able to do? We don't need Jack Bauer.

Sure, Jack has already ran through most of the ethnic groups in America, but China has 56 different groups. As people tell me, he has signed on for only 3 more years. That is 53 too few for China's needs.

Perhaps Jack Bauer will be brought in to help torture the Falun Gong group. As you can tell by the group's protests in New York, we are perfectly capable of handing out water torture and cage treatments without Jack Bauer and his nipple twisting antics. I did read on Blogs4bauer about Mr. Bauer having people swallow a towel, the Chinese method has the towel going in the other end. We call it "Chinese Floss" Ha Ha Ha, I kill me.

We Chinese have a saying "American imported goods as useful as protest in Tiananmen Square". That includes you Mr. Jack Bauer. American imports are usually crappy movies, annoying music, and David Hasselhoff. Now we are importing psychopaths? Jack Bauer ranks below fertility drugs as things we need most.

Counterpoint: Jack's Coming To Thin Out Your Herd
by President Charles Logan

Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - It's time to give credit where credit is due. by Jack Bauer's manpurse
Counterpoint - That man-purse makes you look like a sissy. by Mr. Blackwell

Point - Jack Bauer's Threats Will Not Stop Iran's Nuclear Plans. by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Counterpoint - Keep It Up And We'll Give You Nuclear Weapons ASAP - Courtesy Of The B-2 Bomber. by Donald Rumsfeld

Point - Dude, I Wouldn't Hit That, Again. by Spenser Wolff
Counterpoint - A Guy Who Is Hung Like A Chinese Church-mouse Shouldn't Run His Pie-hole So Much. by Chloe O'Brian

Point - Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead. by Ted Kennedy
Counterpoint - Anything Is Possible. by Mary Jo Kopechne

Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!


Anonymous said...

The good General sounds abit afraid. Is General Tso chicken? Hey, I wouldn't want to have Jack Bauer jumped and beaten to pulp, and them have him brought to the country I'm in either.

Anonymous said...

He is getting heat from "The Colonel"....

NDwalters said...

General Tso? He a pathetic relative of Sun Tsu? If so, man that family's gone to pot....

"What's the matter Colonel Sanders? Chicken????"
'Prepare ship (high pitched), Ahem, PREPARE SHIP FOR LUDICROUS SPEED!'

Anonymous said...

Let me see, if Jack Bauer kills 1.4 people an hour on average, and there are 1.3 billion Chinese, then it would take just 106,000 years to kill every Chinese person. That sounds like a long time, until Jack's time warping skills are taken into account. Piece of chicken.

Clenbuterol said...

oh! Chinese generals! - it's scaring!!

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