Kim Bauer Caption "Contest"

Where Have You Gone Kim Bauer? Caption Contest
1) Caption or photoshop this
2) Email photoshop entries to Jack Bauer

Note: No one wins these 24 caption contests.

Counterpoint: Anything Is Possible
by Mary Jo Kopechne

Of course "Uncle Ted" is assuming that Secretary Heller perished in that terrible auto accident. He assumed the same thing 37 years ago when he drove his Oldsmobile into Poucha Pond. I was knocked into the back seat, while Teddy swam to safety, failed to rescue me, then failed to report the incident to anyone until the following morning.

No autopsy was ever performed on my lifeless body, because (for some reason) it was quickly transported out of the state. I wonder who had the connections to order such a measure? Anyway, no one will ever know how long it took me to die.

For that reason, it is entirely possible that Secretary Heller is still alive. CTU personnel are aware of his accident, and unlike me, he may have a fighting chance at survival. If there's any justice, he will live to see "Uncle Ted" get what he deserves.

Point: Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead
by Ted Kennedy

Scambaiting Jack Bauer Style - Part 2

Scambaiting Jack Bauer Style - Part 2

What happens when Agent Jack Bauer gets involved in a Nigerian Email Scam? We set out to answer this and have a little fun at the expense of a scammer who is probably boasting to his buddies that he's scamming some guy named "Jack Bauer" from America. Bad things happen to people who scam Jack Bauer, very bad things.

So far, Mr. Luis Rakotozafy, who's father was killed in an "accident" en route to visit the President of Togo has sent us an email. In his time of need, Luis unknowingly contacted super-agent Jack Bauer at our Blogs4Bauer email address.

In return for some help from Bauer, Luis promised 20% of his family fortune. Jack Bauer accepted the mission and offered a little more, a chance for revenge for the death of his father. You can read the entire first part of this scambait by clicking here.

Since the last post, Luis has tried to calm Jack Bauer's desire to kill terrorists and for revenge, while also trying to get us to contact him via phone and fax. RFTR and I decided to take a new route and bring in more members of the 24 crew.

So "Nina Myers" (aka - me) sent Mr. Rakotozafy an email warning him of Jack. In the email, Nina warns Luis that Jack is not to be trusted. To instill trust, we also attached the photo on the right of Jack and Nina together.

Nina also insists that she hasn't seen the correspondence between him and Bauer, but predicts that Jack probably seems hell-bent on revenge more than getting Luis his money. Nina ends the email with a warning that Jack will probably go after Luis once the money runs out.

Next Step: Jack Bauer Responds.

Post your comments on how Jack Bauer should respond in the wake of Nina's email. Luis is still asking for a phone/fax number. We don't have much time. The clock is ticking...

Scambaiting Jack Bauer Style - Part 1

Point: Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead

Point: Don't Hold Your Breath; Heller's Dead
by Ted Kennedy

It sucks not being Jack Bauer on the show 24. First Palmer, then Michelle and Tony, then Edgar, and now SecDef Heller. It seems like Jack Bauer may be the only one to survive this day. I know some readers of this website would like to think that Heller could have survived the fall and splashdown. I speak from experience - don't hold your breath; Heller's dead.

I know the irony is just killing all you right-wing wackjobs, Ted Kennedy pointing out the occupant of a car driven into the water is dead. Laugh all you want, it won't bring Heller back to life.

SecDef Heller was thinking ahead by driving with his window open. With the window open, once the car hit the water, it would have quickly filled up with water and equalized the water pressure. He could have then opened the door and swam out. However, it looks like he had a 40 foot fall before he hit the water. Odds are, the impact knocked him out and the water just rushed in and drowned him. Don't forget the black helicopter! Even if Heller escaped, the bad guys with machine guns would have raked him with enough lead to sink him to the bottom.

I'd like to sit here and chat with you Bauer-freaks, but I have a real job to do. Are you aware that we also have a right-wing president who needs to be stopped from going after oil in "Central Asia"? What good would it do anyway, I hear some of you still think Tony's still alive? Come on Ladies, Tony and Heller are dead as last Tuesday. Teddy out.

Counterpoint: Anything Is Possible
by Mary Jo Kopechne




Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point- Jack Bauer Puts the "Special" in Special Agentby Agent David Breckinridge
Counterpoint- Breckinridge, You Couldn't Hold Jack Bauer's Jock.by Chloe O'Brian

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it!
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

HOW LONG CAN SECRETARY HELLER HOLD HIS BREATH?

He's been underwater for about 30 minutes now. And according to Henderson, he doesn't have much time left - maybe only minutes.

What's that you say? THE FALL WOULD PROBABLY KILL HIM? Well, not if he used his airbag as a flotation device/landing pad.

I bring all this up only because the speculation is running rampant that Heller:

1. Jumped clear before the car went over the cliff.

2. Is being kept alive by navy divers who are giving him air underwater.

3. Is really dead but hoping that Jack will give him mouth to mouth to revive him.

Some people really need to get a fricking life!...

Like this guy who keeps writing the longest, dumbest, most ridiculous summaries I've ever seen. The only reason I link to them is because he slips me a twenty every time I do.

Jack Bauer on a Plane

Jack Bauer On The Muther F-cking Plane
Samuel L. Jackson thought he had problems when he found Snakes on his Plane. Chew on this nugget: There have been 6 planes on the show 24. 4 exploded! If you find yourself on an airplane with Jack Bauer, it would be a good idea to use that Air-phone and jack up your life insurance - bad things are about to happen.

Let's recall the fate of airplanes on 24:
Season 1: Terrorists blow up a 747, starting the first of Jack Bauer's worst days of his life.
Season 2: Jack Bauer and Nina Myers on a plane. Plane explodes and goes down in flames. "At the crash site in the Angeles National Forest, the still-alive Jack rolls out of the fuselage. A tree branch is lodged in his thigh. He yanks it out" (from Fox's recap)
Season 2: Jack Bauer and George Mason got on a airplane. That flight ended up with a nuclear blast, spreading the airplane and George Mason across the Mojave Desert.
Season 3: Jack Bauer and Nina on another plane, Jack pulls a gun on the pilot of the Navy Plane to keep the plane from returning to Mexico. (hat tip - junger)
Season 4: Even Air Force One was not safe as it was shot down by a stolen stealth fighter.
Season 5: Jack Bauer's manpurse was too large for a carryon, so he checks himself in as baggage.

Last night, 4 people were added to the Jack Bauer Kill Counter - despite Tyler D's live blogging. The black helicopter also stuck around for another week and forced SecDef Heller to use everything he learned from the Ted Kennedy Defensive Driving Course he took a few years back.

24 Live blog 1-2 A.M.

24 Live blog 1-2 A.M.

Hello again. This is Tyler and tonight I am hoping NOT to continue with my... how do I say, GETTING STUCK WITH BORING EPISODES OF 24!!! But I'm not angry. Not at all. Just tired.. Tired of the 4 episodes that have branded my blogging as uber-boring. Well that is going to change.

So *Happy Face!*

On the off chance that is still the same, one lucky person is going to be dealt the full brunt of my rage. ;/

So get ready for 24 1:00 A.M. to 2:00 A.M.

7:50 - Everyone here knows I have two essays due in 20 hours and 10 minutes right?

7:55 - I still like Prison Break but, not as much as 24.

And it starts.

1:00 (Bauer Time) - Who is going to die this hour?

1:02 - Bleeding stopped? NOOOO!

1:03 - How many times have the "good guys" been arrested today?

1:06 - "Is Bauer dead?" Bauer is like Chuck Norris, only better.

1:07 - Bauer has "night vision" built in??? Almost like the T-1000 vs. Robocop and Robocop lost.

1:09 - Why can't penis-nose Audrey listen?

1:12 - WOW! That was.... pointless. Why didn't he hit the brakes or turn around or I don't know. Anything other than driving off the closest cliff?! Letting them shoot you would have been a better plan than that!

1:18 - You don't realize a lot Mr. President!

1:20 - Like a lamb to the slaughter. Sheesh Ms. Logan.

1:22 - 25 miles is maybe 3 minutes. Nope Jack left early. That is usually bad.

1:27 - That ass just made all that stuff up. Computer gibberish.

1:29 - "Martha, I'm seeing another man...NO! I mean I'm seeing another woman!" HA! Just kidding! I only killed the former President.

1:33 - Did you see that? He tried a sad puppy look. However he definitely pulled off the irritated squirrel protecting his nuts look.

1:40 - $20 Audrey shoots him.

1:42 - and she won't do it. :(

1:42 - Cola is on the case.

1:45 - Jack makes sure he gets his man purse.

1:54 - YAY! Another good guy.

1:55 - The French flags on that Town Can should say something as to whom is on that plane.

1:56 - And the Uni-Bomber runs across the runway.

All is spared from my wrath. Even though only one person died.

Well that is all you will hear from me.

Updatwe: I guess I really didn't watch this epsode.

There were:
2 - Bad Guy - CTU
3 - Bad Guy - Curtis
4 - Bad Guy - CTU

Blogs4Bauer Challenge

I read an article in the NY Post last week that laid out why American Idol is so popular. It appears that Americans like the ability to vote for a performer they like.

That got me thinking about how to make 24 more awesome, if that was possible. Then it came to me...voting

After each episode you can call a number to cast a vote for the next person Jack Bauer should kill. Don't like Logan? Get a group of friends and call over and over again until that glorious week comes when Jack takes Logan out. But, if you call and vote for Jack Bauer to be kicked...your phone melts.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge -
1) Who would you vote off this week?
2) Guess tonight's Body Count

The Jack Bauer Kill Counter is hotter than a Times Square Rolex. Will Heller get added this week? Has Logan's time run out? Will Kim Bauer come back in another hostage situation (remember Henderson hooked her up with the shrink)? Check in to Blogs4Bauer from the hours of 9pm to 10pm to see if your "24 Idol" was indeed voted off of 24.
Check back later for VtheK's exclusive TIVO blogging.

Other
Click Here for the Jack Bauer Kill Counter, click here to vote in the 24: Final Four.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge Results
Episodes 1,2 - 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy (Guess - 4)
Episodes 3,4 - 14 Bodies
RFTR - 14
Episode 5 - 2 Bodies
AL - 2
Episode 6 - 1 Body
AL - 1
Episode 7 - 5 Bodies
Mr. Bob - 5
Episode 8 - 14 Bodies
Deathlok - 13
Episode 9 - 7 Bodies
RFTR - 7
Episode 10 - 8 Bodies
The Man - 8
Episodes 11, 12 - 59 Bodies
Justin - 27
Episode 13 - 3 Bodies (including Tony)
Justin - 3
Episode 14 - 0 Bodies
Citizen Grim - 3
Episode 15 - 12 Bodies
Al - 11
Episode 16 - 7 Bodies
Shawn - 7
Oxen - 7
Episode 17 - 10 Bodies
Al - 9
Oxen - 9
Dan - 11
Denis E. Ambrose, Jr - 11
Episode 18 - 6 Bodies
The Man - 6
efitz - 6

SIMILARITIES BETWEEN CHARLES LOGAN AND BILL CLINTON?

In today's National Review Online, Bill Hawkins has an interesting take on the similarities between the fictional Charles Logan and the not-fictional but still nightmarish Bill Clinton:

In 24 Logan's plot was too clever by half. He arranges for the Chechens to obtain a large supply of nerve gas from an American lab and arranges for them to ship it back to their homeland. The Chechens are not fools, however, and suspect a trap. They uncover the U.S. agent who has infiltrated their ranks. They also disarm the triggering device that the White House was going to use to detonate the gas once it had arrived in the overseas terrorist lair. The objective was to wipe out the terrorist cell, but also use the group's possession of WMD as a pretext for intervention in Central Asia. For revenge, the Chechens try to use the gas to kill thousands of Americans.

In State of War, Risen reveals that Clinton also had an overly ambitious plot, which eventually backfired, involving assisting an enemy with WMDs. Operation Merlin had the CIA using a Russian atomic scientist, who had defected to the United States, to sell or give nuclear bomb blueprints to Iranian diplomats at the International Atomic Energy Agency in Vienna. The catch was that the plans for the TBA 480 "firing set" contained design errors that would send Iran's scientists down the wrong path and delay their development of weapons. The TBA 480 is a Russian device for creating the implosion that sets off the nuclear chain-reaction in a bomb. The Russian scientist, whose defection does not now seem as genuine as was supposed, spotted the flaws and offered to help Iran fix the problems. But even if he had not tipped off the Iranians, other Russian and Chinese experts are known to be helping Tehran, so the design flaws would likely have been spotted at some point.

Actually, I think the similarites go far beyond that posited by the author of this piece.

Both Logan and Clinton are married to ballsy women with Bill having the misfortune of having to live with a true harridan. Meanwhile, Logan gets to play hide the salami with a woman who has firmer boobs than Chelsea.

Also, both Logan and Clinton have that same unctious, oily personna that grates like a fingernail being drawn across a blackboard. Every time Bill bites his lower lip, I want to urge him to keep going and devour the rest of his face, so sick and tired I've gotten having to look at it for the last decade.

But hey! Don't call me a Clinton hater....

Separated At Birth?
Name: Chloe O'Brian
Hobbies: Hacking, Frowning
Fave reads: Frown Digest






Name: Squidward Tentacles
Hobbies: Dancing, Frowning
Fave Reads: Frown Digest

Chop Chop Caption Contest

Chop Chop Caption Contest
1) Caption or photoshop this
2) Email photoshop entries to Jack Bauer

Carnival of Bauer VIII

Carnival of Bauer!!! VIII
The 8th edition of The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been posted at Justin's Random Thoughts. This week's carnival has been dubbed The Carnival of Jenny since she's a junkie, it's 4/20, and Tony has already had a carnival.

Send Jack Bauer an email if you are interested in hosting The Carnival of Bauer!!! on your site.

Upcoming Hosts
Below the Beltway (4/27)
Right Wing Nation (5/4)
The Llama Butchers (5/11)
The Templar Times

Previous Carnivals
Announcing the Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 1
The Carnival of Edgar- Week 2
The Carnival of Tony - Week 3
The Carnival of Life - Week 4
The Carnival of the Cougar - Week 5
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 6
The Carnival of Logan - Week 7
Make sure to get your entries into next week's Carnival of Bauer!!! by midnight on Wednesday!

Not Just Infotainment Anymore

Blogs4Bauer — Not Just for Infotainment Anymore!
We at Blogs4Bauer are pleased to announce that we have expanded our public service role, and (un)officially designated ourselves as a not-for-profit enterprise.

You may have noticed a while back that we picked up some sponsorship, in the form of advertising for Catscape Tees. We have encouraged you to visit and patronize this fine establishment, particularly because of their support of the Carnival of Bauer, and because of their hot t-shirt model, whom you can see to the right.

We are proud to announce the details of the partnership we've formed with the proprieter of this fine establishement. Each month that the ad remains on Blogs4Bauer, Greg Wolkins will be making a $55 donation in Jack Bauer's name to Any Soldier, Inc.. For those of you who don't know what they do, here's a description:

Sergeant Brian Horn from LaPlata, Maryland, an Army Infantry Soldier with the 173rd Airborne Brigade was in the Kirkuk area of Iraq when he started the idea of Any Soldier to help care for his soldiers. He agreed to distribute packages, that came to him with "Attn: Any Soldier" in the address, to the soldiers who were not getting mail.
Brian just completed a tour in Afghanistan and is stationed in Italy, but Any Soldier Inc. continues with your support.

Any Soldier Inc. started in August 2003 as a simple family effort to help the soldiers in one Army unit, thus our name. However, due to overwhelming requests, on 1 January 2004 the Any Soldiertm effort was expanded to include any member, of any of the Armed Services, in harms way.

They are a fine organization, and we are proud to support them, with the help of Greg and Catscape Tees. (You can view the receipt of Greg's donation by clicking on the image at the left.)

So why are we telling you about this? Well, clearly to brag about how awesome we are. But more than that, we're inviting you to advertise with us. Greg can probably testify to the fact that he's gotten a lot of traffic from us—but more than that, we can guarantee that we have reasonable rates, and that every dollar you pay will go directly to the charity of your choice (subject to our approval—the ACLU does not count, for example).

What better way to reign in the White House Press Corps than to install Jack Bauer as Press Secretary? Let's see if David Gregory has the guts to ask Jack Bauer about "sloppy seconds".

Top 10 Changes Jack Bauer Would Bring to the White House Press Corps
10. Positive stories about Bush increase 145% in his first hour alone.
9. Five moles weeded out of press corps by Bauer.
8. Ask a stupid question; get hooked up to the sensory deprivation device.
7. Podium replaced with bullet-proof barrier with gun ports.
6. All press conferences last an hour, with all tough questions coming at 45 minutes past the hour.
5. By the end of a press conference, a minimum of 34 people would have been killed.
4. "No comment" replaced by "We don't have time for that question".
3. Gary Bauer mistakenly showed up to a press conference, once.
2. All comments will be yelled.
1. Blogs4Bauer starts to live-blogs press conferences.

Do you have more ideas on what Bauer could bring to the White House Press Corps? Post them in the comments below.

(More at some other site)

Counterpoint: Breckinridge, You Couldn't Hold Jack Bauer's Jock.
by Chloe O'Brian

Agent Breckinridge, I'd like to respond for Jack Bauer. Why? Because he is too busy saving the country to rip someone on a blog. As I write this, Jack is currently tracking the man responsible for a nerve agent attack in Los Angeles. You may know him. His name is President Charles Logan!

David, you brag about finding a mole and saving the President in one hour and thirty-five minutes. Well, golly gee, it took you that long to find one man? Are you an idiot? In the past five or so years, Jack has gone toe-to-toe with a Latin American drug cartel, an elite paratrooper regiment, and an Islamofascist terror network. He almost singlehandedly took them (there were far more than one) all down in twenty-four hours.

You also brag about the Secret Service being mole-free for 141 years. Then you find the first ever (who also happens to be your octogenarian mentor) and it takes you almost two hours to take him down? If the USSS were such an efficient, well-oiled machine, I would have figured that there would be training scenarios for just such an event. I guess I was wrong.

Look, I would just love to stay and chat - really, and I mean that - but I am a very busy person right now. My suggestion would for you to prepare your resume - since the President won't be in office for much longer - and have a nice, cool glass of shut the hell up. Moron.

Point: Jack Bauer Puts the "Special" in Special Agent
by Agent David Breckinridge

Point: Jack Bauer Puts the "Special" in Special Agent

Point: Jack Bauer Puts the "Special" in Special Agent
by Agent David Breckinridge

I'm agent David Breckinridge, and I just had the longest hour and thirty-five minutes of my life.

Working the security detail in Washington DC can be a dangerous job. It takes a real man to defend the President of the United States and look good doing so. That's why Agent Jack Bauer came to DC and ended up crawling back to LA? Jack Bauer just couldn't hack it in 'the district'.

Did you know that in 141 years of the Secret Service, there has never been a mole, until now? As it turns out my mentor happened to be the mole. I had a limited time frame to get to the bottom of the mole business and save the President's life. I live for this kind of stuff.

Yet, I hear that in only 5 days at CTU, there's been something like 18 moles. It seems to me Jack Bauer runs a sloppy shop out in "el-lay". Imagine if the president's life were in his hands? Someone could get hurt and that's just not going to happen on my watch.

What I did in 1 hour and 37 minutes would probably take "special" agent Jack Bauer 24 hours. We just don't have time for Jack Bauer.



Counterpoint: Breckinridge, You Couldn't Hold Jack Bauer's Jock.
by Chloe O'Brian




Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point - I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer! by Christopher Henderson
Counterpoint - Henderson, You're As Good As Dead! by The Grim Reaper

Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it! by Random Guard
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

"BAD DAD" SECRETARY OF DEFENSE JAMES HELLER

It's guys like this that gives dads a bad name.

You may recall last year, Heller allowed CTU to "do whatever" it took to make his son tell them what they needed to know. His secret turned out to be that the lad was bi-sexual (a sure sign of Bad Dad Syndrome).

Then this year, to keep Audrey from...whatever, he tells his bodyguards to "restrain" his daughter. So there she is, manacled to a post in a storeroom on the orders of dear old dad.

Somehow, I don't think Heller is going to have much of a Father's Day this year...

Another carelessly thrown together summary here...

Bauer Pads Kill Counter

Jack Bauer's Zone of Pain
Athletes call it "being in the zone". When they reach peak performance and put together an amazing performance as if it were nothing. Think Kobe and his 81 point game, Wilt Chamberlain and his 20,000 women, David Wells pitching a perfect game while drunk.

Then there is Jack Bauer. Yes, he (Bauer) has gone hours without killing people (usually when TylerD liveblogs), yet in the past three hours he has personally added 12 people to The Jack Bauer Kill Counter and he's just getting started.

The black helicopter came back for a second helping of Bauer and 6 bodies were added to the counter (5 placed there by Jack) last night.

When Jack Bauer gets into his zone, bad people bleed.

TivoBlogging: The Following Took Place Between Midnight and 1:00 am

12:00:00 to 12:11:46

Weaselman nervously paces in the Weaselcave, when the Weaselphone activates. It's Biff Henderson, calling to conveniently reiterate the plot points covered in the "previously on '24'" segment. In a nutshell, the Dept of Homeland Security is concentrating on finding Jack Bauer, but being the DHS, most of their effort is focused on strip-searching 80 year old grandmas and 2 year old girls because they don't want to be accused of profiling. After pulling up census data on the number of grandmas and toddlers in the Greater LA area, Frau Blucher is concerned that they'll never find Jack. Then, the HLS Dick got an idea. An awful idea. The HLS Dick had a wonderful, awful idea.

Meanwhile, Jack hands off Shaft to Chiggy. Chiggy breaks left (much as the show will do later on in the all about the oil plot twist)... he's at the 30... the 20 ... the 10...!

Meanwhile, SecDef Hellfeld arrives at the airport to meet his daughter S4GF just as a Police car comes screaming onto the scene. The scenario of Audrey's figutive boyfriend arriving in a police car is all-to-familiar to Hellfeld, who remembers when she ran with the O-town crips. Jack, S4GF and Hellfeld proceed into the hangar, where Jeff plays the audio from the tape he found of Weaselman confessing. "Does it feel good when I touch you there? It does, doesn't it? How about there?" "Sorry, wrong track," Jack says, then plays the actual confession. In response, Hellfeld throat chops him, steals his iPod, and leaves Jack and S4GF handcuffed together. (Which reminds S4GF of the weekend they spent in the Catskills, except Jack had a leather hood.)

Hellfeld doesn't think exposing Weaselman's perfidy is the right answer. "He assassinated David Palmer and he gave nerve gas to terrorists. I'm gong to reason with him and expect him to do what's best for the country."


12:15:56 to 12:25:52

Anita Hill, wearing a wire, a long silver wire, lies to Chloe. "Frau Blucher and HLS Dick found Audrey's location. She fell out of the bloomers of an 82 year old Jewish grandmother from Encino while they were strip-searching her. They've sent a tac team to her location... which they know... her location." Chloe falls for the trap and tries to warn S4GF. Frau Blucher and HLS Dick listen in, trace her call to the Van Nuys Airport, and have Chloe arrested by the paleblueshirts.

Frau Blucher calls Weaselman, "Jack Bauer has been found at the Van Nuys Airport." Weaselman calls Biff Henderson. "Jack Black has been found at the Van Nuys Airport." Frau Blucher calls Dick Cheney. "Jack Black has been found with a can of nice spare pork." Dick Cheney calls General Disarray. "Jack Black has round fat cans, and some nice spare pork." "What the hell are you talking about?" General Disarray asks him. At which point, Dick Cheney becomes confuse and asks Weaselman what's going on, but Weaselman just asks him to pray with him again, so Dick Cheney goes back to cleaning his hunting rifle.


12:30:04 -- 12:36:18

Chloe, in the holding pen, is confronted by HLS Dick. "This situation is more complicated then you realize." "So, why didn't you tell me?" "Because you're an idiot." "Well, you think the rules don't apply to you because you're smarter than we are, but they do, and you're not." HLS Dick then proceeds to eat a big red candle. (Okay, new nickname for HLS Dick is Brick Tamlin.) Brick Tamlin turns to leave and Chloe discreetly grabs him and pickpockets his CTU Shoppers Club Card. "Don't touch me," Brick Tamlin says, "Nothing gives you that right!" As soon as he is gone, Chloe uses the card to escape... the completely ineffective CTU security system is actually helpful for a change.

12:40:32 -- 12:48:13

Mary Todd snuggles up to Red Foreman. "I have to know, what are those dumbasses up to?" Red Foreman tells her, "Meet me by the stables in ten minutes. It'll be just you, me, and the moon. Wear a tie so I'll know which one is you." But when she gets there, all she finds is his cell phone lying on the ground. "The Rapture happened!"

Back in the Weaselcave, Hellfeld corners the Weasel. "Why'd you do it, Chuck?" Hellfeld asks. "For the oil," Weasel answers. "You better resign, your chair is not a throne." "Yes, if it were a throne, it would flush."

Meanwhile, Jack Bauer plots a daring escape. "I saw this on Prison Break," he says, and proceeds to use a steampipe to melt through his restraints. He then cuts S4GF loose and knocks out the guard with the door.

12:52:24 - 12:59:59


Jack Bauer sticks up the security dude and gets his recording back just as Biff Henderson shows up in a black helicopter and starts shooting up the place. Biff has brought a dozen guys armed with machine guns. Jack has just the pistol he lifted from the guard he knocked out. Within seconds, all of Biff Henderson's men are shot or incinerated.

But Biff has grabbed S4GF and cut her arm open. "Give me the recording or she bleeds to death," he snarls. Jack wusses out and gives him the recording. BH leaves in a hail of gunfire to find a car to steal, Jack Bauer stays behind to tourniquet Audrey's bleeding arm.

Meanwhile, Weasel is mere moments from signing his resignation when Biff Henderson calls. "I've got the recording." Weasel leaps over the desk and waves his palm in front of Hellfeld. "Faced!" He then demands Hellfeld's resignation and goes to catch the last half hour of Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

24 Live Blog Midnight to 1:00 AM

Good evening boils and ghouls. I'm V the K, and I lost today's round of naked buck-buck. The LiveBlog is mine.

12:00 It's Bauer Time. Have we seen Jack eat or go to the bathroom in any of the previous episodes?

12:01 So, on one side, there's Logan and the Department of Homeland Security searching for Jack. On the other side, Jack + Diet Cola + Chiggy Killer. Um, the Washington Generals had a better chance of beating the Globetrotters.

12:05 Is Heller in a Lockheed Jetstar. Classic! That's just what Pussy Galore flew in Goldfinger.

12:06 What's on Jack's iPod. Elwy and the Tree Weasels, singing the classic hit "Let's Whack David Palmer." Secretary Heller ----> Not surprised that Logan is a weasel.

12:09 SMOOCHIES!

12:10 Heller throat chops Jack, takes his iPod, and says he's going to take down Logan himself, because exposiing his perfidy would rip this country apart. Puh-lease. That's Hillary Talk.

12:16 Time to play "Spy on Chloe," a game perfected by Edgar in the bushes outside Chloe's bedroom window.

12:17 Anita Hill is wearing a wire. I bet it's small black and curly.

12:18 Chloe's call is tracked to Van Nuys Airport! The Washington Generals score!

12:22 Now, President Logan claims to be sending the military to get Jack. If he is sending the entire 101st airborne, it might be a fair fight.

12:23 No! Dick Cheney, Never corner a frightened weasel! They can turn on you at any moment!

12:30 Cool. Chloe's pick-pocket trick with Miles CTU Shopper's Club card is even better than Matt Broderick's tape recorder trick in Wargames.

12:31 Oh, no! Stopped in the hallway by Anita Hill. Maybe Chloe can use her awesome people skills to resolve this situation.

12:33 The SecDef drives his own car? Then that must have been Rumsfeld who cut me off on the Beltway this morning! And where does he get a rental at 12:30 at night anyway?

12:40 Now, Heller corners the weasel.

12:41 "Your chair is not a throne." True, if it was a throne, it would flush.

12:42 Oh, Gawd, the moonbat writers are back. "It's all about the O-I-I-I-I-I-L!"

12:43 Logan looks like "I wonder if I could tear out his throat with my sharp, needle-like teeth."

12:44 Mary Todd and Red Foreman's cell phone? I don't get it.

12:46 Who's that guy? I think his name is Bauer. He's involved in the plot in some way.

12:47 Ah, the old "Melt the handcuffs on a steampipe, then bash the guard's head in with the door trick." Classic.

12:51 No, it's not a Jetstar. It only has single engine pods, not dual pods. Never mind.

12:52 A climatic shootout at the end of the hour? Never saw that coming. I wonder if it will end with a cliffhanger.

12:54 "There's been too much killing today." You should know, pal. You did most of it.

12:55 He cut Audrey's nose! She'll bleed out in seconds.

12:59 Turns out his chair was a throne, and Heller just got flushed.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge

If you aren't "jacked" for tonight's episode of 24, then you need some serious help. If your politics lean left, the previews talk about Jack Bauer taking down a president. If your politics lean right, it looks like a lot of people will be displaying their second amendment rights tonight.

Will Jack Bauer take down President Logan and possibly another helicopter to boot? Will Audrey get killed off (finally)? Check in to Blogs4Bauer from the hours of 9pm to 10pm for the answers and later for VtheK's exclusive TIVO blogging.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge - Guess tonight's Body Count

It could be another banner hour for the Jack Bauer Kill Counter. Make your prediction on how many people will join the kill counter in the comments section below. Last week, Phil guessed 350 kills for Episode 17. Phil, you do know that Jack does not carry around tactical nukes in his manpurse, go easy.

Other
Click Here for the Jack Bauer Kill Counter, click here to vote in the 24: Final Four.

Blogs4Bauer Challenge Results
Episodes 1,2 - 9 Bodies
The Conservative UAW Guy (Guess - 4)
Episodes 3,4 - 14 Bodies
RFTR - 14
Episode 5 - 2 Bodies
AL - 2
Episode 6 - 1 Body
AL - 1
Episode 7 - 5 Bodies
Mr. Bob - 5
Episode 8 - 14 Bodies
Deathlok - 13
Episode 9 - 7 Bodies
RFTR - 7
Episode 10 - 8 Bodies
The Man - 8
Episodes 11, 12 - 59 Bodies
Justin - 27
Episode 13 - 3 Bodies (including Tony)
Justin - 3
Episode 14 - 0 Bodies
Citizen Grim - 3
Episode 15 - 12 Bodies
Al - 11
Episode 16 - 7 Bodies
Shawn - 7
Oxen - 7
Episode 17 - 10 Bodies
Al - 9
Oxen - 9
Dan - 11
Denis E. Ambrose, Jr - 11

The Easter Bauer

Have a safe and happy Passover and Easter Holiday.

Remember to set your clocks, May 9th has been deemed Jack Bauer Appreciation Day by me last season. Do a Yahoo search and you'll see that it's catching on, Wiki even has it listed.

How will you spend Jack Bauer Appreciation Day? Post your comments below.

Blogs4Bauer Land

Blogs4Bauer Land

In an effort to capitalize on our popularity before the summer rerun season, the staff at Blogs4Bauer pooled our money together for as new joint venture: Blogs4Bauer Land. Situated in sunny scenic Newark, New Jersey - the only place where we could afford the land - Blogs4Bauer Land is the ultimate in family entertainment. Our most popular attractions include:

Pin the Nose on Audrey with Buckley Williams: You pick the nose! You also pick the placement of the nose, and we don't even require a blindfold. This object here is as plain (and as large) as the nose on her face.

Who is the Family Leak? Live Torture Supervised by the CUG: Did you ever want to beat your kids with a phone book? How about hooking daddy's nipples up to a car battery? Well at Who is the Family Leak, now you can! The CUG supplies the implements, and your only limit is your imagination. Not to worry: it is all supervised. (Note: For a substantial fee, the CUG will become lax in supervision.)

Whack a Mole with RFTR: Instead of fluffy mallets, RFTR uses real ball peen hammers for the B4B Whack a Mole. While stalwarts such as Walt Cummings and Nina Myers are present, and the participants change as the particular season dictates. Caution: blood spatter area!

Rick Moran's Water Park of Death: Rick oversees the wetness in true B4B fashion. The water slide is contaminated with a Centox nerve agent, the wave pool is loaded with real dead bodies (courtesy of Jack Bauer), and the lifeguards are certified by the Chloe O'Brian Rudeness Academy. "No running! I am really busy right now! (Frown)"

The Man's Guess Your Age, Weight, and Political Affiliation: The Man uses his awesome telekinetic powers to determine the age, weight, and political affiliation of our guests. Our Red Shirt Security will escort those determined to be liberal Democrats out of the park.

Disarm a Real Dirty Bomb with Tyler D: What precocious child has not thought about disarming live explosives? Now their dreams can come true! Tyler D has scoured the Russian breakaway republics to bring you the most authentic dirty bombs the country has ever seen. And remember: cut the blue wire! Or, is it don't cut the blue wire?

V the K's Fight Club Octagon: V doles out steaming bowls of justice with his celebrity death matches. Out-of-work actors such as Louis Lombardi and Sarah Clarke actually step inside the Octagon and beat each other senseless. It's like Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome . . . without Tina Turner.

Wyatt Earp's Pistol Range: A live-fire shooting gallery for the whole clan. We have everything from AK-47's to Uzis. And you pick your choice of target, whether it is Habib Marwan, Christopher Henderson, or Ryan Chappelle. Eye and ear protection is provided.

Blogs4Bauer Land: It's the Violentest Place on Earth!

Putting the "Counter" in Counterterrorism

The Jack Bauer Kill Counter is one of our most innovative creations here at Blogs4Bauer, but I wonder what other incidents could use a B4B counter? Here are a few off the top of my head (which isn't just a hat rack, ya know):

• The Chloe O'Brian Frown-o-Meter
• The Martha Logan Cleavage Counter
• The Audrey Raines Nose Radar
• The Late Edgar Stiles Twinkie Tally
• The Jack Bauer Spent Shell Casing Chart

Caption Contest

Alt-Tab...The Boss is Coming Caption Contest
1) Caption or photoshop this
2) Email photoshop entries to Jack Bauer

Carnival of Bauer VII

Carnival of Bauer!!! VII
The 7th edition of The Carnival of Bauer!!! has been posted at Inn of the Last Home. This week's carnival has been dubbed The Carnival of Logan in honor of the Weasel-in-chief.

Send Jack Bauer an email if you are interested in hosting The Carnival of Bauer!!! on your site.



Upcoming Hosts
Justin's Random Thoughts (4/20)
Below the Beltway (4/27)
Right Wing Nation (5/4)
The Llama Butchers (5/11)
The Templar Times

Previous Carnivals
Announcing the Carnival of Bauer!!!
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 1
The Carnival of Edgar- Week 2
The Carnival of Tony - Week 3
The Carnival of Life - Week 4
The Carnival of the Cougar - Week 5
The Carnival of Bauer!!! - Week 6
Make sure to get your entries into next week's Carnival of Bauer!!! by midnight on Wednesday!

B4B Fight Club: Special Edition: RoboCop Henderson versus Master Chief

RoboCop Henderson: '24'
Age: late forties
Nationality: American
Occupation: Traitor
Death Count: Unknown, but probably a lot.
Strengths: Robocop's armor and weapons combined with Biff Henderson's unrepentent evil. Snappy catchphrase "Dead or alive, you're coming with me!"
Weaknesses: Vulnerable to strong electro-magnetic fields
Comment: If he killed Evelyn's little girl, he needs killing.

Master Chief: 'Halo'
Age: Twenty-something
Nationality: Reachian
Occupation: Cyborg Super Soldier
Death Count: Um, how many thousands of people were on the first Halo, and on the Covenant Cruiser, and how many did he kill in between?
Strengths: Superhuman strength, regenerating protective force-field, artificial intelligence, proficiency across a wide range of military weapons. Might even stand a chance against Jack.
Weaknesses: You can get around him if you know the shortcuts.
Comment: You think terrorists are bad? Try fighting eight-foot super-lizards with plasma machine guns.

Originally, I was going to do this as Jack Bauer versus Master Chief (inspired by this hilarious, obscene, and definitely NSFW video at YouTube), but I figured it would eventually come down to Chloe hacking into the mainframe and disabling Cortana, leaving Master Chief helpless. So, I decided, hey, Biff Henderson/RoboCop, Cyborg versus Cyborg, that has possibilities.

Counterpoint: Henderson, You're As Good As Dead!
by The Grim Reaper

Christopher, I for one can truly understand your hatred of Jack Bauer. Hell (no pun intended), hate is one of our "happy places" here. You have no idea how much I wanted to off those slackers Bill and Ted, but sometimes you just have to let things go.

For you see, Jack Bauer is one of my favorite pawns in the battle between Heaven and Hell. On the one hand, that wussy jackass God loves Bauer because of all his "do-goodery." On the other (and more important) hand, Bauer - like the Marines - kills everything he sees, and keeps Hell packed with fresh souls. Sorry, Chris; Jack Bauer stays.

Oh, and by the way, I HATE Hardees!

Point: I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer!
by Christopher Henderson

Point: Jack Bauer is Dead

Point: I'm Going to Kill Jack Bauer!
by Christopher Henderson

Jack Bauer has been a pain in the ass for far too long. Someone needs to put a stop to his antics so I can start repairing my marriage. Therefore, I'm going to kill Jack Bauer.

Honey, I know we have had some rough times lately and I really do think with a little physical therapy your limp will hardly be noticeable. Just remember that it was that damn Jack Bauer who shot you just above the kneecap. Trust me, once I finish off Jack Bauer I will explain my actions and why we should find a new mall to shop at. Well, I've got to go; Jack Bauer won't kill himself you know!

Grrr, Jack Bauer! When will people realize that Jack Bauer is a menace and needs to be taken out (for real this time)? With Jack Bauer out of the picture, Miriam and I can take over Los Angeles and rule the city with an iron fist. I can already see a new Los Angeles without Jack Bauer, CTU, and the LA Clippers. There will be Olive Gardens on every street corner and we will rename all the Carl's Jr restaurants to "Hardees".

With President Logan, Audrey, and Evelyn's daughter with me, who can stop us? We'll succeed where Habib Marwan, Nina Myers, Ramon Salazar, Vladimir Bierko, Max, Joseph Fayed, Sherry Palmer, Ira Gaines, Joseph Wald, Anton Beresch, Stephen Saunders, Marshall Goren, Eddie Grant, Michael Amador, Victor Drazen, Syed Ali, Peter Kingsley, and many others failed. Nothing will stop us. NOTHING! NOTHING!

Counterpoint: Henderson, You're As Good As Dead!
by The Grim Reaper





Previous Point-Counterpoint Posts
Point- Jack Bauer Cannot Help Recover Your Money, Mr. Rakotozafy (I can) - by Nina Myers
Counterpoint- Everything Nina Myers says is bullsh*t. - by Jack Bauer

Point- Audrey Raines: Kick The Jack Habit Today! - by Dr. Phil (on loan from Match.com)Counterpoint - Audrey, stand by your man! - by Mary Jo Buttafuoco

Point - Thin Mints are an addictive narcotic - by Jack Bauer
Counterpoint - Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning - by Vladimir Bierko

Point - I'm going to make it!
Counterpoint - Nah, you're not. - by Death

Point - CTU needs better training for their security guards before something bad happens
Counterpoint - My teenage daughter could have stopped every incursion into CTU!

Point- 24:The Game Will Lead to More Violence
Counterpoint - Violence Makes The World Go 'Round

Point - Jack Bauer could not have shot down one of our AS 350 Ecureuil Helicopters with a handgun
Counterpoint - A redneck with a squirt gun could shoot down your euro-trash.

Point - It's Time To Turn Jack Bauer Over To The Chinese
Counterpoint - Confucius Say, "Man With Wandering Groin Accomplishes Little"

Point - Impeach Weasel, Dennis Kucinich For President
Counterpoint - Fox should fight off impeachment like Shelley Winters fought off diet cola

Point - They are already illegally wiretapping Jack Bauer's cell phone, whose next?
Counterpoint - The U.S. government does not violate our civil rights enough!

THE MOLE-O-METER ON AUDREY IS INCHING UPWARDS...

The question only seemed innocent. Jack informs Audrey that he has possession of that precious, incriminating tape. But her answer revealed the real possibility that Our Miss Audrey is a traitorous bitch:

"Have you listened to it?"

For the briefest of moments, a look of panic furrowed her brow and crossed her face. There was also a slight catch in her voice when asking the question as if she was afraid of hearing the answer.

I re-ran her answer several times just to make sure I wasn't imagining things. Oh, and if you look real close, you can see the Mothership reflected in Audrey's side mirror with Elvis hanging out the window and JFK at the wheel...

And I've got one word for all you skeptics out there: Nina.

For another extremely tedious summary full of some very bad jokes, go here.

Just Another Mole

Another Hour Another Mole

I mentioned a few weeks ago that Evelyn’s daughter was a mole. Yes, even a 9-year old can be a mole in Jack Bauer's world. Think about it, she used her position as a daughter of the Hot Assistant to the First Lady in order to get Biff Henderson the information he needed. When that plan fell apart (thanks to Bacardi and Diet Cola), she led Henderson right to her mother. Evelyn then spilled her guts, giving up Jack Bauer's location. She's a mole if I ever saw one.

Last night, Blogspot sucked and the Jack Bauer Kill Counter increased by 10.

In other news, the media is reporting that Jack Bauer will be back for 3 more days (72 hours) after he signed a $10 million deal...which means Jack Bauer will still die at the end of this season.

TivoBlogging: The following took place between 11:00 pm and Midnight

11:00:00 to 11:12:33

In our country's darkest day, Jack Bauer knows the president is a traitor, but will he live long enough to expose him.

I'm thinkin', yeah, probably. He did just sign for three more seasons.

President Weasel is chewing out Biff Henderson. "This is all going wrong. This was supposed to make our country safer. And you screwed it up by assassinating David Palmer." "Oh, yeah," Biff answers. "Well, you screwed it up by being ugly, so there." They agree that the only way to salvage what's left of their conspiracy is to make sure Jack Bauer doesn't live long enough to expose them.

Jack and Shaft Palmer (a.k.a. Bacardi and Kahlua) are on the road again with MTAB and her daughter, Last week, Evelyn's young daughter was rescued. And Homeland Security agents managed to post pictures of her to the internet with unbelievable speed. They're good at that sort of thing. Anyway, MTAB has proof of the president's involvement hidden in a safe deposit box at a bank along with a small toy plane. MTAB was wounded in last week's climactic shoot-out, but her HMO will only cover a stay at a Motel 6, so they can't take her to the hospital. Martian Law remains in effect and Military checkpoints are making it hard for Jack and Shaft to get to the box. The military checkpoints are serious business, a dozen communist Italian journalists have already been shot. Jack phones S4GF and asks her to upload to his PDA the location of all the military security checkpoints between them and the bank. Jack checks out MTAB's bullet wound. "It's all ooky," Jack says. "We should clean this out." "No, I'm good," MTAB says. "I've been shot lots of times. I'm from New Jersey." Jack and Shaft move on, figuring she'll be safe while they get to the bank and get the evidence. After all, when does anything bad ever happen to someone who helped out Jack Bauer?

Frau Blucher asks HLS Dick why everything is running behind schedule at CTU. HLS Dick tells her that it's because all the HLS people are too busy chatting in "GovAgent4YngGirls" chat rooms. Frau Blucher is having doubts about whether taking over CTU was the right thing to do, given that Truffle Shuffle's pr0n stash was not nearly as extensive as their psyche profile suggested. Also, with no levees in Los Angeles to demolish, she's a little unsure what Homeland Security is supposed to be doing. Then she gets a call from President Weasel. "Hey Frau Blucher (whinnies) How's it goin'? Good, listen, I'm issuing a presdiential executive order to arrest Jack Bauer." Frau Blucher sighs "What is that, the third time today someone ordered Jack arrested and brought it?" Weasel doesn't know. "Third or fourth, I lose track. Anyway, be a doll and don't let anyone know it came from me, 'kay?" "Um, where else would a presidential executive order come from, sir?" "Uh... Hillary?" "OK, Gotcha."

11:16:55 to 11:27:42

Jack and Shaft are driving in their Volkswagen Jetta, listening to lame German techno. They spot an old chair someone has left out and put it in the car, but it smells foul, so they dump it off again. As they drive down the street, it begins to rain, and the action on the street seems to synch with the song they listen to on the radio. "That was weird," Jack says. Anyway, they pull up to the bank, and Jack gives Shaft a gun. "What do we need these for?" Shaft asks. Jack answers, "Hello. Bank heist. Is this your first time or something"

As a warmup to the bank job, they decide to home invade a suburban household just as the husband and wife are snuggling in bed getting ready to watch Leno's monologue. ("Hey! How 'bout that terrorist attack at the airport? Did you hear about this? I heard one guy got blown up by a cell phone. I wonder how many rollover minutes you get for that?") Jack and Shaft need the bank president to get into the bank. He is an unassuming middle-aged man who loves his still sexually appealing wife. We'll call him Deadmeat, Jack threatens to blow the bank guy's head off if he doesn't help him get into the vault. When that doesn't work, he points the gun at his wife's head. She gets unbelievably turned on and her husband agrees to help rather than lose her to JB. Deadmeat begins pulling on his pants. "Don't worry honey, I'll be fine. I'm just three days from retirement, and after My son, Bill Deadmeat Jr, graduates from High School next month, we'll have nothing left but to enjoy the rest of our lives together."

Meanwhile, S4GF calls her Daddy, the SecDef, President Hayes from Stargate, you know, that guy. He's on a private jet, on his way back from visiting his son on Brokeback Mountain. S4GF asks him, "Daddy, could you make your plane fly to Los Angeles so we can talk. It's like, really, really important, you know." Of course, he can not refuse, "Anything for you, pumpkin." Meanwhile, S4GF is being tailed by a couple HLS nitwits displaying all the competence for which the Department of Homeland Security is renowned. Seems Frau Blucher decided the best way to find Jack Bauer would be to follow Audrey. Personally, I would have just followed the trail of bullet-riddled corpses, but like I said, HLS competence. S4GF stops for gas, pulls out a walkie talkie, and with help from Chloe, finds the tracking device hidden in the most obvious possible place. Then, she looks around for someplace to stick it. Fortunately, a large truck pulls in and the large truck driver's waistband is riding low enough for S4GF to wedge it between his ass cheeks.

Anyway, back at the Motel 6, MTAB's little girl finds her hands all bloody and goes to the bathroom to wash it all off, but it won't come clean. "All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand," she laments. MTAB is shocked to hear her little girl quoting Shakespeare and promptly passes out. So, the little girl calls 911. "My mommy's fallen... and she can't get up..." 911 responds, "To proceed in English, Press 1, para continuar en espanol, oprima numero dos..." Of course, the call is intercepted by Biff Henderson. who has been listening in on all the 911 calls taking place in Los Angeles during a state of emergency. Alec Baldwin alone has called 911 a hundred and thirty seven times asking where his car keys are. (Behind the couch, dumbass). Anyway, now he knows where MTAB and his little girl are.


11:32:04 to 11:38:42

Cool. On opening, we get an all-chick Wild Wild West screen. Frau Blucher, Little Girl, S4GF, and MTAB. Anyway, President Weasel is giving a press conference taking credit for thwarting the terrorists. "First, I blew up a terrorisst at the Ontario Airport using my cell phone. Then, I caught the guys who assassinated David Palmer. But there was also sadness. My daughter informed me she never wants to see me again... " Mary Todd watches the Press Conference with Red Foreman. "That's my man," she says. "What a dumbass," Red Foreman mutters.

Bacardi and Kahlua have swapped their Jetta for a Toyota SUV. As they pull over to the side of the road, a quarter mile from the bank, Jack sees that Red Foreman is calling. He tells Jack about the executive order for his arrest, but otherwise does not advance the plot. Then, Jack escorts Deadmeat across the street, sees an Army patrol, and shoves him into the dirt. Less than a minute later, they are at the bank. Jack once again has his man purse. Perhaps that is where he keeps the device that allows him to fold space-time. Deadmeat puts in the code and gets them into the bank, and then writes the 12 digit code down for Jack so he can get into the vault. "Wait a minute," Mr. Bank says. "You're Shaft Palmer." "Damn right" Shaft answers. "They say you're a bad..." "Shut yo' mouth..." and so forth. Deadmeat figures if robbing a bank is good enough for David Palmer's brother, it's good enough for him.

Meanwhile, MTAB is coming around. Just in time to see iff Henderson shoot the two EMT's, who despite answering an emergency call to a motel in an iffy neighborhood were not wearing body armor. "Where's Bauer" Biff demands. "In Bavaria, near Heidelberg?" MTAB guesses. Little Girl screams. We are spared what happens next, but it's probably not good. Note to parents: This is why you should never teach your kids to use 911.


11:43:37 to 11:51:08

Mary Todd curls up to President Weasel. "You were magnificent today. I'm so impressed, I've completely forgotten that you tried to have me committed this morning and then tried to get me killed with the Russian president." Whoa. Can you say "codependent enabler." Cheese Louise, no wonder President Weasel is such a schmuck. Soon, they begin making out. No one wants to see that. Then, the phone starts ringing. "I gotta take this call." Its Biff Henderson. "We've got Bauer's location. My men and I are headed there now. Do you know where Heidelberg is?"

Meanwhile, HLS Dick reports that Audrey rains has been found again and dispatches her crack team to find her. Meanwhile, Anita Hill approaches Chloe. "Hey, someone has locked me out of satellite control. It would have to be someone who is completely knowledgeable of all CTU satellite control protocols who also survived the gas attack. Can you think of who it could be?" "Um... Edgar?" Chloe guesses. "He died in the gas attack," Anita Hill reminds her. "Oh, yeah... I'm going to the bathroom."

Meanwhile, Jack is exploring the vault. Mostly, it contains minutiea related to Jerry and Elaine that George was never supposed to tell anyone. Then, Jack pulls the recorder out of the safe deposit box. Jack plays the recording. "Biff, I am behind all the terrorist activity today," says President Weasel. "And I shot David Palmer," Biff says right back. "That's right, also, I'm wearing my wife's underwear," Weasel goes on. "And I like the smell of my own farts," Biff tells him. Weasel continues, "I just plain don't like black people," Jack switches off the recorder. "We've got him now."

Or, maybe not. As they are about to leave the bank, they notice that Biff Henderson's men have surrounded the bank. This gives Jack an idea. "Hey, imagine this Fight Club scenario. A bunch of Biff Henderson's para-military goons against the LA SWAT Team. Who would win?" "Would Ana Lucia be on the SWAT Team," Shaft asks. "Let's find out," Jack says. He has Bank President Deadmeat trip the silent alarm.

11:55:34 to 11:59:59

Chloe is back in the computer hallway, listening to really whack gangster lounge music, complete with a cool Peter Gunn style guitar riff. I like it. She scrambles the feed from the server. HLS Dick notices that Chloe is not at her desk.He encounters Chloe outside the Women's Room.

Meanwhile, at the bank, Jack is also Jammin' to the Peter Gunn crime scene music. He tells Deadmeat to get into the vault where he'll be safe. "No, Jack, with you covering me, what could go wrong?"

Biff Henderson's goon squad is about to light up on Jack, when a couple of cop cars pull up. Biff's bloodlust will not be denied. "We can't let them get Bauer. Take them out." The goons open up on the cops. The cops open up on the goons. Jack, Shaft, and Deadmeat open up on the goons. Then the Army shows up and opens up on everybody with a fifty cal. That takes out a lot of Biff Henderson's men.

Also Deadmeat.

Naturally.

But Jack gets away.

And he calls S4GF. "We've got the evidence. No doubt it's Weasel. We're going to take down the President... sometime in the next seven hours."

Live Blogging 11:00pm - 12:00am

Hello again kids, I'm Wyatt "Please Check Out My Other Blog" Earp, and I'll (once again) be your host for this evening's festivities. Gimme a minute, Prison Break is almost over.

Yet another classic Prison Break. Did you check out my other blog yet? Damn. We have a two-plug maximum here at B4B.

11:00pm - Graphic violence. That never fails to give me goosebumps. Yeah, Evelyn will be fine . . . as long as she tells Jack everything she knows. Otherwise, he'll kill her with a swizzle stick.

11:04pm - By the way, I'm trying to blog this episode on my 13" television. I had a DirecTv issue today. Oooh, William Devane will be on tonight. Giggity!

11:05pm - "With every new account of damaging tapes that threaten National Security, we'll give you a new toaster!"

11:07pm - How can President Weasel doubt the ability of RoboCop??? And then he threatens him? Yeah, can we get a bodybag for the President, please?

11:09pm - Does the head of Homely-land Security have NO makeup available? Yikes!

11:11pm - I wonder who will "volunteer" to keep an eye on Audrey Raines and her too-long (according to Phil) skirts?

11:12pm - CTU has as much chance of catching Jack "peacefully" as I do of sleeping with Paris Hilton . . . and not getting an STD.

(Commercial Break) Let us know if my Liveblogging is boring the hell outta everyone. Thanks. And I agree with kdeweb - Tom Cruise must be stopped . . . with extreme prejudice.

11:16pm - Sure sign that you are seeing undercover cops: a white man and a black man wearing nice clothes driving in a car together. Yeah, Bank Boy, say no to Jack. Cripes, who let in the rookie?

11:20pm - Oh yeah, we'll just reroute the plane after 9-11. God, Audrey is an arse! Somebody promote tail girl!!! She's sassy! Always count of Chloe to find the bug. Can't find a damned mole to save her life, but bugs? She's on it.

11:24pm - This pisses me off: it takes some Evil-Doing for President Logan to finally get some cojones??? Where was this last season, you toad??!!!

11:25pm - Okay, who didn't see Evelyn's death coming, raise your hands?

(Commercial break) I may have to go see Thank You For Smoking if J. Jonah Jameson is in it! And the ep is halfway over and no deaths yet? These writers are just phoning it in anymore!

11:30pm - Agents "under his direction?" Logan is smoking crack.

11:33pm - Aaron will have to let Martha in on the Jack warrant during "pillow talk." Giggity, giggity, giggity! Aaron better not really help Jack - all his helpers get killed or lose an arm!

11:35pm - Little known fact: John Kerry was behind the .50 cal in the Hummer. He is requesting a Purple Heart for his tour of duty down the "tree-lined path."

11:37pm - Bank Boy's PIIN code is "BOSCO."

11:38pm - Nice going, Wayne. Never rob a bank with this guy.

11:39pm - And RoboCop gets on the Kill Counter with two dead medics. "Come with me or there will be . . . trouble."

(Commercial break) Anyone else's fingers tired? Oh, I get it Isaac Hayes: you can't do South Park anymore, but you'll do a Lay's commercial? SELLOUT!!! Oh, and tell RFTR that he's behind in his list of Live Blogging hosts. Oh, one more thing, AI is doing a tribute to Queen? WTF???

11:43pm - And . . . we're back with another episode of When Octogenarians Kiss. Ugh!

11:45pm - Valerie's back! She's a modern-day Pocohontas! And Psycho Babe noticed the satellite . . . and she's suing for sexual harassment!

11:47pm - RoboCop ordered a-killin'. Who thinks that Bank Boy is the only one snuffed? Nice offer Bank Boy, but your help will not be necessary. We'll let you know if the snipers need their taxes done! Putz.

11:50pm - HEY!!! As a Philly Detective I must protest using the boys in blue as guinea pigs in Bauer's escape plan!

(Commercial Break) - Are y'all bored yet? With my blogging, I mean - not the show. Only Tyler gets the lame episodes.

11:55pm - The satlink looks like my DirecTv signal from this afternoon. Ugh. Good job, jerkass. Look around in the sat room and hop a little - that should clean up your picture. Idiot.

11:58pm - Bank Boy will take his chances with Jack. He's as good as dead. SOMEBODY KEEP TRACK OF THE GUNFIGHT!!!

11:59pm - I told you Bank Boy would buy the farm! "Taking down the President of the United States." Every liberal jackass' dream! (As told to them by Michael Moore and Alec Baldwin)

Coming Attractions - Gun battles ahoy! Suckup Boy is arresting Chloe! Heller is about open up a can of Whoop Arse on Logan! Whoo hoo!

Thanks for your patience. I'm out, enjoy Love Spit Love!